Episode 228: Sex Draculas

Outline
Intro - The brothers watched the new Star Wars teaser trailer and were surprised by the baby versions of so many of the characters. It is notable that Griffin knows more about Star Wars than his wife's birth date. They spend some time freaking out about the new lightsabers too.

06:27 - A friend of mine recently started doing stand-up comedy. Due to scheduling conflicts I have yet to see her act. But just this week we were joking around and she casually ripped off a bit from a stand-up special we had watched just the week before. I highly suspect she's ripping off other acts on the reg. Do I bring it up? Or let her dig her own grave? (She's not a really good friend) -- Comedic Charlatonism in California

13:31 - Y - Sent in by Drew Davenport, from a suspended Yahoo Answers user, who asks: I tend to steel peoples toilet paper when i go to there houses?

i have tried to stop, but find that i can't, it gives me an adrenelin rush, i feel i may move on to more explicit and vast bathroom 'materiels' what do i do to stop?

19:31 - My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. When we first started dating we both lived in the same city as his extended family. Now we live on the other side of the country and we moved in together six months ago. Christmas is coming up soon and I want him to meet my extended family. They live about five hours from his home town, but he says it doesn't make sense for him to go to there. He doesn't have a lot of money and won't have access to his own car to drive. I'm going to be borrowing my father's car to see him and his family on New Years. How can I convince him that meeting my Nana is important to me, without creating resentment on the other end? -- Originally from Ohio

24:26 - Brothers, my boyfriend's mother recently learned she would be receiving a sizable inheritance (I think it's around $30,000) and has decided to spend it by taking (a bunch of people, me included) on a big family vacation. Except, the last time I spoke with her, she was trying to decide between two possibilities: the Grand Canyon and Hawaii. Now brothers, I am not an outdoor person; I have absolutely no interest in a Grand Canyon vacation. I would love to go to Hawaii. But I know that Hawaii would be significantly more expensive, especially paying for my boyfriend and myself, as we live on the East coast and the flights would be twice as much as for anyone else on the trip. Would it be impolite to express my strong preference? Should I let her take whatever vacation she prefers with her money? -- Craving Beaches Over Canyons in Washington D.C.

26:35 - The brothers recommend murdering seven people, supposedly for the first time.

30:00 - MZ - Sponsored by Nature Box. Sponsored by Prosper.
 * Hey Allen Michael First Name, Queen Elizabeth says: hey old man, what better way to wish you the happiest of birthdays than having the brother's do it for me? You're the greatest man in the world and I hope you enjoy this because it is by far my favorite gift you'll get (I'm sure yours too). If Griffin wrote you a jingle though, this message would be put to shame. Love you tons, love, your bottom bitch
 * Hey Julian! Brian, Sanford, Kate, Katy, Lila? say: happy birthday to the finest playwright ever to sit around in hit Walter White's. A man with more character than a waddle of dinkliges? Converter of dozens to the church of McElroy. I know Griffin stopped writing jingles, but perhaps a reprise of birthday town for such a leader of MBMB-enie? So happy birthday, you bottom bitch? Sorry this one was hard to hear with my toddler screaming in my ear.
 * Advertisement for Oh No Ross and Carrie.

38:47 - Y - Sent in by Rachel Spurling, from Yahoo Answers user Holden Caulfield, who asks: Do snakes and birds ever make love to each other when scientists aren't looking?

I know birds are really closely related to reptiles. Does that mean they sometimes get intimate with each other? Or are they so closely related that it would count as incest? Also, if a bird and a snake were to crossbreed, would the offspring be flying snakes? Please help, it's for a bet I'm having with my friend.

 [The brothers spend the next seven minutes talking about sweet bird-snake love.] 

45:19 - My friend went through a breakup with her long-time boyfriend this last summer and since then she's begun texting me massive amount of selfies everyday. I don't want to be insensitive or mean, but it makes me really uncomfortable. If she's still having a hard time, I want to be there for her. But I have no idea how to respond to her constant duck-face pictures. What should I do? -- Jen in Chicago

49:16 - Y - Sent in by Rachel Spurling, from Yahoo Answers user vicki, who asks: Could someone pretty plz write a vampire story please?

start in the dark forest at midnight, and their is a girl named alena who gets hypnotized and bitten by a vampire named Josiah. I want eye-contact hypnosis please~

52:28 - The McElroy brothers write erotic vampire fiction: Second Edition

by the McElroy Brothers

Chapter 1

The night was dark and also horny. The forest was as dark as it was horny too. My name is Elaina and this forest got me feeling real horny down there.

I spied a shape in the darkness that was white that had eyes and a cape and maybe fangs. It was definitely glamorous, but also erotic. His name was Josiah; he didn't tell me that, but he looked like my friend Josiah from work at Dress Barn.

I got closer to him; I saw that underneath the cape he was wearing some sensible jeans and no shirt, but he just had, like, a cape and his muscles were like, 'yes'. I didn't know much, but he was definitely bonered. I could see it through his jeans; I could see the boner through his jeans! I looked at dude's eyes, they reminded me of Josiah, my friend at Dress Barn, and that's when it occurred to me: I'm gonna bone this dude, I'm gonna bone him real good (I didn't know where these thoughts were coming from, they definitely weren't my own).

Chapter 2

I got fired from Dress Barn today. I got fired by my manager Josiah; I thought he was my friend; also he has amazing muscles and he doesn't wear a shirt and wears a cape. But a different cape, we're talking about a different Josiah here, I can't express this enough. I wish everything in my house smelled like Dress Barn Josiah.

Suddenly there was a clattering at my window. It was Santa Claus! He eye-fucked my brain and the sexy stuff?? Santa climbed in my window and he opened up his sack and he let it fall to the ground and inside there was just one gift and it was Josiah, the vampire from earlier (not the Dress Barn Josiah).

He looked deep into my eyeballs and I got totally bonered for him. And then Santa Claus was like, “welp! I guess I should get going, seems like things are about to get a little bit lusty in here; I've got other sex dracula's to drop of kids' houses like you”.

And then Josiah spun around and he drank Santa's blood (oh no!) until he died. And let me be honest, it was a huge turn on. So I reached inside of his sack and then I got out hundreds of sex draculas, all for me. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I crowd surfed on the sex draculas like Buckethead at a Korn show, when Buckethead was still in Korn.

57:13 - Housekeeping
 * Recommended Maximum Fun Network podcasts: Sawbones, Throwing Shade.

62:23 - FY - Sent in by Rachel Spurling, from Yahoo Answers user Brian, who asks: "Do I need to see the original Madagascar movie to enjoy and understand the new Penguins of Madagascar movie?"