Episode 386: Candlenights 2017

Outline
00:00 - Clint, fresh from surgery, warms up the crowd

05:17 - Travis introduces Terry the Nondenominational Gift Delivery Dragon, Griffin introduces the Boy from the Christmas Shoes Song, and Justin introduces Rockin' Randy the Safe Sex Santa

11:32 - For the past few years, my mother-in-law has been getting me presents for Christmas. These presents are always very religious-based. For instance, I've received a framed photo of Jesus, holy water, etc. The problem is I am not religious in the slightest. These presents always end up sitting in a box in my basement or in a donation bin at Goodwill. What would be the best way for me to get my mother-in-law to stop wasting her money on presents I will never use? - Insistent In-Law Conundrum

14:42 - Y - Sent in by Drew Davenport, from Yahoo Answers user Remy, who asks:

"How could you probably react if you see the Grinch totally naked?" "OR:How could you probably react if Big Foot is so horny that he needs you that badly?undefined"

19:10 - We gave some very close friends a housewarming gift. It was an embroidered thing my wife had made (commissioned, not made ourselves) to commemorate their wedding day - it was nice. They later passed on a gift to us after we had a kid; a book and some clothes - very nice and thoughtful - and also the embroidered thing that we gave them; that was in the gift bag too. How do you tactfully regift an ungifted gift? - Not Santa

24:30 - Munch Squad - Regal Cinemas' Cheetos Popcorn - sent in by Bethany

31:03 - Y - Sent in by Brooke Strickland, from Yahoo Answers user Dougieundefined, who asks:

"If your in hospital over Christmas what happens to all of the sick people when the hospital closes Christmas day? I have always wondered this. Update: Or is it just that certain hospitals don't celebrate Christmas? I was in the hospital the other day visiting my nan and there was Christmas trees all around the place so I don't get why they don't close."

34:03 - Both my bosses are hunters. They recently asked me if I was a hunter as well. My social anxiety kicked in and I said yes. I do not hunt. I do not want to hunt. I don't know why I said yes. They talk about hunting a lot with me, and I've just been faking my way through the conversations. The problem is, they are now planning an expensive moose hunting trip to Canada and they want me to join them. How do I get out of this trip without letting them know I am a socially awkward liar? - Hunting for Help in New York

38:27 - Y - Sent in by Zoe Kinsky, from Yahoo Answers user Dougie Againundefined, who asks: "What would happen if you were to drink the water that was from where frosty snowman melted? undefined"

Audience Questions
44:50 - I work in a planetarium, and we used to do this show about the Christmas star. There was a really epic part at the climax of the show where we would bring up a light behind the dome and it would illuminate this wonderful light-up plastic nativity set scene. The wise men follow the star to the action. We don't do this show any more, but we would get a new nativity set every year. I now have a catwalk full of nativity figurines. What can I do with them that is better than illuminating them at the climax of our show? - Charissaundefined

I have a Christmas party that I have to go to next week. There are a bunch of people I know that I've known my entire life, and then there are three people that I have known for a year and I only see once a year at this Christmas party, and we're supposed to get gifts for everybody. What in the world do I get these people that I don't really even know? - Jim (who knows Charissa)

50:58 - During this festive season, I like to tell people positive things I feel about them, but my problem is that if I emotionally connect to the thing I'm saying at the time, I end up sobbing uncontrollably. I'm really sensitive, I guess? But if I don't emotionally connect to it, I sound sarcastic whether it's written or spoken. - Sarah

I have an incredibly cool family. My mom vapes, my little brother vapes, my little brother's girlfriend vapes, my little sister sometimes gets into it but we tell her no because nicotine (she's 15). My other little brother thinks vaping is really cool too, and he still believes in Santa Claus, so he's like "Hey, Mom, can we get a vape for Santa Claus?" And my mom, being my mother, was like "yeah, sure, let's get a vape for Santa Claus!" And now my little brother (he's like 9)'s plan is to wait by the fireplace with a vape pen in his hand for Santa Claus to come down to offer him the vape pen, and I need advice to tell him not to do that and why it's a bad idea, but without hurting his [feelings.] - Ericundefined

58:10 - My next door neighbors are super in love with Christmas, they love it so much, and they are the only house on the entire street that goes all in on that. There's a point where enough is enough. The breaking point, for me, is the giant inflatable Christmas Minion. I have too much social anxiety for this. How do I subtly let them know that [enough is enough?] - Brettundefined

My roommate really loves snow. He gets really excited about it. Except the area we live, the way it usually works is the entirety of the fall and the beginning of winter, it just sort of rains all the time, and then we get one big snow in the beginning of February. So he basically spends the entirety of the fall semester of college like "Why isn't it snowing?" But then when the snow comes in February, he's over it, like "oh god this snow". I love him, but how do I respond to something like this and actually help him feel better, even though he doesn't really appreciate the February snow? - Caroline

64:14 - Housekeeping (the show raised over $48,000 for Big Brothers Big Sisters)

68:33 - FY - Sent in by Star X, from Yahoo Answers user Matt, who asks: "Do you enjoy a celebratory Christmas grapefruit? Is there anything more deciduous?"

Quotes
"We're trying to make love, and it's looking in here like "BANANA", or whatever!"

Deep Cuts
Justin refers to Santa as having "a GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD!", referencing the film Hot Fuzz.