Episode 188: Holler Smarts/Transcript

Justin: Hello, welcome to My Brother My Brother and me special Valentines day edition for lovers...

Travis: Uh, I'm your.. ugh, I can't go on this journey with you. I'm your middlest brother.

Griffin: Kiss my mouth it's covered in  oil

Travis: I respect your-

Griffin: My mouth is covered in kissing oil

Travis: Oh god

Griffin: Squeak squeak squeak

Travis: What is that?

Justin: Kissing oil?

Griffin: Kissing oil, I bought it...

Travis: From whom?

Griffin: I bought it from a man at Hardees...

Travis: Oh god

Griffin: I was at Hardees and I bought it from a man

Travis: ???

Griffin: He was a man in the bathroom and he had a Guy Fawkes mask on. He told me he would help me kiss better - I'm Griffin, the baby!

Travis: Oh no!

Griffin: Guys - let's compare and contrast...

Justin: Romance

Griffin: ...our valentines day experiences, because I'm willing to bet that I had not only the worst of the 3 people on this podcast, but of the 3 billion people on earth

Justin: This V day, my wife and I celebrated our last valentines day without a child...

Griffin: Oh, you're just going to casually drop that bombshell on the show by the way

Justin: Yeah, well, we already dropped it on Sawbones. That's where you need to go for your world exclusive baby news

Trav: Oh I see

Justin: So we celebrated it by going to the edge of west Virginia. ??? It's 236 years old, uh, like 30 maybe 50 presidents

Griffin: Pretty tight

Justin: And a casino, very romantic, what about you Trav?

Travis: Teresa and I we spedn the day at a louisville bed and breakfast and spent the day exploring Louisville, eating at fancy restaurants and going to museums

Griffin: Uhhh

Travis: Griffin?

Griffin: Oh, uhhh, Rachel and I spent our valentines day with her just sort of watching me writhe on the couch...

Travis: Sounds sexy so far!

Griffin: Uhhh, I wasn't writhing with sexual avarace, I wasn't writing because I was burning with an invisu... invisible sexual flame, an envisual flame.??? because I had - and get out your abacus, get out your adding machines, I had a sinus infection, and then also some dioreah, and then I also had athletes foot? I had a sinus infection, and I had dioreah and I had athletes foot. So that was a... that was a pretty stellar valentines

Travis: it is possible that they were all side effects of being addicted to love?

Griffin: I think that-

Justin: Griffin-

Griffin: -may have had something... Maybe it was the kissing oil? Like a side effect of the kissing oil. It was not FDA approved

Justin: Griffin could have gotten ovarian migraines and the doctor would have found it less surprising-

Griffin: I did go to the doctor-

Justin: -more suprising than him getting athletes foot

Griffin: I went to the doctor and I was like, she was like "you obviously have a sinus infection", I was like "yeah, but check this out, also di-di. And, plus, check out my toes". I was like, "is there a weird connec-" she was like "no, you eat like a dumb shit and you don't clean your feet in the shower"

Travis: You should contact Dr House cos I'm betting they're connected

Griffin: I've figured it out, let me take a look in his house, oh he's just a dirty boy and eats stupid food. Idiot. I... I had a thing happen to me the day after valentines day that I wanted to bounce off you guys cause this is an advice show, this is an advice podcast for the modern era. I'm not sure if I did the right this in this situation. I was collon rolling on some sudafed and I went outside late at night, I was watching curling, it was like 1am and my cat who was outside was perched underneath the tree and he was looking up in the tree, and there were two giant possums in the branches of the tree in my neighbours yard, and I didn't want my cat to like get in a fight with these possums and get rabies and die. Ummm, and so my inclination, and keep in mind i was really really very high, and I went ansd I got some rocks from my drive way and I started thowing them in the direction of the possums.

Griffin: [?????] throwing rocks [?????] If there are people who are like super hard core PETA folks, I would rather not divulge whether or not I hit on target - because you know what? It was dark and I may or may not have

Justin: His body is slowly decomposing, he might as well go full old man-

Griffin: I was-

Justin: -full weird cantarkerous old man throwing rocks at mammals

Griffin: -in my neighbour's yard, yeah. They may have been pet possums, you know, this is fckn Austin.

Travis: Griffin, you've got a complete this picture by going over to the neghbours house, and complaining to them about their possums

Six thirty just wasnted to let you know I took care of the possums

Griffin: Took care of the possums, oh hold on, and then I dioreah on my bare grody feet

Justin: Also I made you some rasberry preserves

Was this the right thing to do though?

What am I going to do, go get my cat? MM, no, cause becasue, oh look up

Travis: Have you tried using your words?

Griffin: The words said, that I said were - this is great - I walked out, saw the possum in the tree and said "oh no". ???? myself, and then I didn't see the second possum until like a copule minutes later, cause I saw the other possum hissing upwards, I was like what's he hissing at? I said oh god and I turned around and went back in the house

Travis: What does it say, it snowed real bad here on Valentines day proper and I got into a minor accident when my car slid into a kerb but I slid for about 20 to 30 feet so it was a really long 20 mph slide, the whole time I was sitting there going oh my, oh my goodness, oh god, oh my gosh-

Griffin: When you're in the zone-

Travis: -the whole time...

Griffin: -when you're in the zone, anything can happen, man.

Justin: Isn't it weird how when you- and maybe this isn't the same thing in every part of the country - in fact it's likely it's not. Growing up in West Virginia, we have squirrels - lotta suqirrels everywhere. Uh, you don't see as many of them as you used to, thanks Al Gore - Uh but, the-

Griffin: Al Gore ground down squirrels turn them into internet

Justin: He killed them with global warming, anyway. The... it's weird how if I see a squirrel it's basically "uh ok it's a squirrel", if an animal is 20% bigger, suddenly I'm in fucking wild kingdom. Like I feel like I'm having a grizzly man encounter.

Griffin: Sure.

Justin: With a wild animal I get terrified.

Griffin: They're just ferrets with weirder tails, but I don't... I just don't want to look at 'em.

Travis: I just always assumed that the possum is looking at me thinking "which one of us isn't supposed to be here"

[???]: You're infringing on my land.

Travis: It's in my house, it knows, it knows that it's in the wrong, but if we're outside?

[???]: At night?

[???]: Yeah.

[???]: It's nocturnal.

Griffin: Let's start.. I feel selfish, I've just been I just needed to vent, I had a pretty bad two days there. Two of my three ailments have cleared up by the way.

Justin: Sounds like your butt has been doing plenty of venting.

Griffin: And my face and my fucking-

Justin: Every hole.

Griffin: Just every hole, including the new ones on my feet.

Justin: How do you like podcasts, listeners? This is what podcasts are. How do you feel right now?

[???]: Umm

Justin: This is a journey you've taken yourself on

[???]: Let's answer some questiond!

Justin: I'm a guy in my mid 20s and I got a haircut the other day. The barber had me turn sort of- (it's an evening recording, folks - we're not used to this - it may be a little ribald, I apologise in advance) -the barber had me turn sideways for most of the haircut, I didn't want to turn my head while he was working.

Travis: That's how you lose an ear.

Justin: And lose my attention, ironically. When he was done, he turned me back to the mirror and asked what I thought. Turns out that he had cut it way shorter than I wanted. Obviously I was polite and thanked him and tipped him - but is there really anything you can do in this situation?

[???]: Yeah like...

Justin: ?????? hairy in San franciso.

Griffin: 30 days, next question, like... I guess get a weave? What do you want us to tell you? This is fucking physics!

Travis: I don't think... OK wait, I don't think he's asking is there anything they could have done to replace the hair... I think they are asking is there anything I could have done to tell the dude he did a shit job.

[???]: I mean

Griffin: Your problem was going more than 15 seconds where you didn't look, didn't like fuckin fact check the... the spin-job that somebody was doing to your dome.

While you're getting a haircut you have to keep a contsant eye on it

you have to

Rough as a bespectabled man though coz when he makes mwe takeo ff my glasses to get a hair cut

oh head

So har

Hey travis

Yeah?

Griffin: 1800-contacts

Justin: I found my hairdressers hate me because... when I say hairdressers, I go to mastercuts-

Griffin: You still go to mastercuts?!

Travis: My team of stylists!

Justin: My team of stylists... when I go to see a stylist at mastercuts, what i tell them is that-,not to disparage people who work at mastercuts-

Griffin: I thought Sunny was at Fantatstic Sam's?

Justin: No, Sunny doesn't work at Fantastic Sam's, because they have a hole that kids can put their hair in and it turns into a toy

Travis: That kind of alchemy is of devil origin

[???]: At the risk of running into a trademakr violation, help me play that...

[???]: So anyway,

[???]: You can take that toy home and cherish it, but you KNOW it's hair!

[???]: You know it's a hair toy

This is a real... that's going to sound really bizarre... this thing works, you put in some of your hair

Griffin: And then a fucking adult, like, replaces it, like, knocks a toy down from the top.. Sorry [???] I don't go behind the candleabra, you know it's not an actual magic thing and adult switches the hair for a toy

Griffin...

Griffin

I don't, Just in I don't want to shatter the illusion but you're fucking 30 year old man

How old do you think our brother is?

This makes a lot of sense. Uhh what I do is I tell the ahirstylist that uhhhhh... they ask twhat you want, which I used to say, what do you think I should do coz I was just so lost but now I tell them uhh just a clean up. You know, just dlwena it up so it looks intentuional. and then once they do that, say clean it up a bit more and just stare... stare step them back from that

bet they love you

They looooove me

Your ahircus take 4 and a half hours

Can I guive some legit advice?

Ok

Your clippers, right? they have guards on them the different guards have different numbers that dictate the length that it will cut your hair

Memorise the length you want. When you go for a haircut and they say what do you want, say I'd like the sides at a number 3, and the top at a number 5

A number 3 what's the fucking point if you do a number 3

Well number 3 trims it up so you don't get, well I get a little bit of curl past a 3 on the sides. THat just cleans it up and hte 5 leaves enought to styles

I go 6 all over

You go six all over?

Justin: After they have already messed up youur hair, though - I think you did the exact right thing beasue you've got to instantly make the mental leap that you like it. Because there is no oth.. .you have nothing else.

Yeah

Justin: Like there's no other option for you, so telling the person they did a good job and tipping them is an essentail part, because why would you be doing that if you didnt like it? You have to like it. You have to own it.

Griffin: It's to start bringing the mail weave back nito fashion.

I'd love a male weave

I'd love a male weave, not all the time, because like, ummm... I live in Texas so like all of my haircuts are like by necessity just like extrememly short so survival's sake? Uhh but bakcin rh day I would get some pretty bad, when I kicked it at the happy ahir boutique when my non regular stylist was working, ummm, she would do some pretty wack birds nest shit up there and man I would have aPPRECIATED SOME extentions back then when I was coming up

So we hope that helps.

You're stuck i with it see you in 30 days

You're stuck with it, learn to like it. DOn't .. next time just looking for a clean up, your'e

Keep a fucking.. keep your third fuckin open and watch what they're doing coz they'll fuck you. They'll fuck you and you'llsay you did a bad ojb, but as soon as you wal;k out the door they're going to forget about and the'yll continue cterrorising people

Griffin: Do you guys want a yahoo?

Please

Griffin: Drew davenport,thanks Draw Davenport. I'm ready to upgrade Drew Davenport to [???]

Travis: Triple emerald member!

He's got his 10 stamps so his 11th one is preey

His 11th stamp.. The stamps don't mean anything but...

Griffin: Travis: Uh thank you Drew it's by yahoo answers user Walt, who asks: "What do you think of country singer Tobey Keiths's new restraurant not allowing guns?"

Travis: Ooooh, provocative

Griffin: From a news article - country star, actor and restaurtanteur Tobey Keith- I'll give you one of those- has sparked controversy after banning guns from his newly opened eatery.