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"Gettin' Beebed" was originally released on April 12, 2010, at 1:26 AM.
Here it is, the podcast you've been waiting for: My Brother, My Brother, and Me. It's an advice show, brought to you for FREE by three of the world's most qualified experts who are also brothers. If you'd like to participate, tweet with the #MBMBAM hashtag of email us at mbmbam aat gmail dawt com.
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Justin: And welcome, welcome to our show, the show is called My Brother, Brother, and Me. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm joined by my titular brothers ([laughter]) Trav-- Great. Good start everybody. Travis and Griffin. This is an advice show for the modern era. Mainly fashion. We take your questions every day, every-- Well, not every day. Every week, and we will-- Griffin : Every second, real time. Justin: Every sec-- Griffin : This is why it’s a "modren" show, every, every-- Justin: Just call. Griffin : Now. Now. Justin: Yeah, now. Now. Now? Now. Travis: Has anyone called yet? I haven't gotten, oh. Justin : No. If you want to reach us, you can always ask a question on Twitter. You can use the hashtag MBMBAM, or you can email us. It's MBMBAM@gmail.com. That, of course, stands for My Brother, My Brother, and Me. Our original...our original title was deemed too long. Griffin : I actually have a list of some of the titles as we were spitballing. Justin : Yeah. Griffin : We'll go ahead and say yours ‘cause I know what you're going to-- Justin : The best I-- My personal favorite, it wasn't mine. I'm pretty sure you came up with it. Griffin : It was absolutely mine. Justin : Keenan and Kel and Justin and Travis and Griffin.Which is a better name than My Brother, My Brother, and Me Griffin : Yeah. Justin: But-- Griffin : And can you imagine after our first 350 episodes when we finally had the... Travis: Keenan and Kel on there Griffin: ...the draw to get the KKs Travis : I would worry about the Keenan and Kel run off, where people want to listen for Keenan and Kel and they're not there at first. Justin: Oh right, right. Yeah. And you don't want to lose that demographic of Keenan and Kel. Griffin : I also don't want to lose all of my orange soda 'cause Kel would drink it right up. Travis : You know who loves orange soda? Griffin : I've heard that Kel enjoys the occasional-- Travis: He looooves orange soda. Justin: From time to time. Guys, I don't actually-- You'll have to forgive me, I-- Does drinking orange soda have racial connotations that maybe fans of Keenan and Kel-- Griffin : On no, I didn't even think about that. Justin: Does it? Griffin : Guys, guys, listen, listen, I'm not racist, Keenan and Kel... Justin: Loves orange soda! Griffin : Totally loves orange soda. That is a frequent subject on that show. Justin: Yeah, this is a topic-- Travis: Listen, I can verify, he does, he does, he dooooooes. Justin : YouTube it, just tube it. Griffin : Side note, let's go ahead and derail this train of thought a bit further Justin : Oh, good, good Griffin : Uh Kel, I think was in a movie that I saw at the Blockbuster Video called "Who Made the Potato Salad?" That was the last-- That was in 1998. And when I saw that video cassette on the store shelf and that was the last time I ever saw Kel Mitchell. Travis : He went into his novel writing career. Griffin : I don't actually think-- Justin: You know what's weird about that? By sheer serendipity, our first question this week on My Brother, My Brother, and Me comes to us from the potato, the underscore potato on Twitter. He asks...
Question #1 (00:03:12) Edit
I want a larger follower count, but I'm finding it difficult to get more than two in a day. What can I do? by-- _potato on Twitter
Griffin : Start a bunch of accounts and have them follow each other. Justin: Yeah, we're talking about a question of determination, right? Griffin : You could open a business where you have 1,000 accounts, right? I don't think there's any limitation of that, right? Justin : Yeah. Griffin : It's not like Facebook you can just, you can just, you know, shit and five Twitter accounts fall out. You can have this network and you can say, "I will give you 1,000 followers in a day, you just pay me 50 bucks." You're spending all day clicking the follow button, but still 50 bucks… Travis : You know what I'm willing to bet? Someone is doing that somewhere. Justin : Yeah Travis : I have to believe that you're not the first person to think of it Griffin : Tell me who they are and I'll show up 50 bucks for 1,000 followers. Travis : Oh I know, I would. Justin : The question is really one of quality, right? Like, if I see a funny tweet, usually I'm going to click on that name. I'm going to say, "What is your...what are you offering? What's your story?" Griffin : Right. Justin : And I will look at them, I will read their words, I will open up their mind and see what's inside. And if i'm climbing around in there, and I like what I see, I like the territory I'm gonna stake my claim. Press that little follow. Travis: Can I just say you're getting two new followers a day. Justin : Not bad. Travis: That ain't bad. Griffin : Yeah that's pretty good. Because pretty soon, exponentially, they're going to start retweeting the funny shit you say, and then it's going to be three followers a day, and then four followers a day, and then, hold on, I---, let me remember my, let me remember Travis : 62 Griffin: I have to pull up my Fibonacci sequence, but I think it's 62. Justin: Yeah 62, and then from there, you just start tweeting about products you're using, sponsored tweets. Griffin : And then boom? Justin: Probably the danger zone, you're rich. Travis: Then you're famous. Justin: Yup. Travis : That's how it works. Travis: Then you're famous. Justin: Yup. That's how it works. So.. Travis : So, you're funny. Griffin : So you get Beebed. Justin : Yeah, that's how Beiber did it. Beiber started his career standing in the middle of the malls, just singing at the top of his lungs. Then two people came up and they were like,"What are you doing?" And he's like, "Exactly." Griffin : He wasn't even singing at first. He was just like, "Just ate a sandwich at Subway. It was real good." And then, but he had to say it in less than 140 letters. Justin: Yeah, that's how--- Griffin : Now he's on Saturday Night Live. Travis : I just want to say I don't know who Justin Beiber is. Justin : What? Travis : I know of his existence. Griffin : So talented. Travis : I have no context--- Justin : You realize that's sort of like, that like, postmodern detachment from popular culture. That's not cool anymore. Like it was cool back in the early 2000s, but it's hot to know what's--- Travis : (06:01 Unclear) he has a funny name. Griffin : No, no, no, no. He really is like this is me being completely un-ironic. You guys remember how I got on that Twilight kick? Travis : Yes. Griffin : And you guys knew that it wasn't, I was being ironic. This is me in my most sincere: Justin Beiber's super talented. Watched him on Saturday Night Live last night... Justin : Oh, he knew what was up Griffin: Heeee Justin : He knew how to work a Travis : Isn't he like eight? Griffin : He's like eight Justin : He's 13. Griffin : He stayed up past his bedtime to rock us all to sleep. Justin: Yeah to rock you to sleep. Ironic because I heard by 12 he was getting super cranky. ([Laughs]) He was like, "I don't wanna go down, I gotta poop poop. Travis : Well, I believe that answers your question, who is Justin Bieber. Justin : Yeah, who is--- Someone had to have asked for rights. Griffin : Speaking of questions, this one comes from Yahoo. The question is:
Yahoo #1 (00:06:48) Edit
Y From Yahoo Answers user Resuin
What is the chord progression during the intro of the ABC series' ‘Greek’?
Justin: What!? Griffin : Comes to us from Yahoo Answers user resuin Travis : Was it all in caps? He had to know right this second. Griffin : Dude you know what? Like it's all actually, except for he capitalized chord progression and intro, which no. But he did put Greek in like single apostrophes. Justin : What? Griffin : Which should--- Yeah, I know. Like it kind of followed AP style. Justin : So, resowin was--- Griffin : More importantly, WHAT THE FUCK MAN? Justin : That's what you care about!? Griffin : Whaaat? Justin : What?? Travis : WHAT? Justin : Do you think that, uh, do you think resowin is his Christian name? You think was a manager of Arby's was like, "Resowin! Make all these fries!" Griffin: I think--- Travis : "Resowin! Why don't you have a girlfriend?" Griffin : More puzzling than his moniker. Iiiiiiiis why he's trying to plan the progression during the intro of the ABC series Greek. Sorry, let me finish the question. Justin : Okay Griffin : "What is the chord progression, or is it from a song? I'm not talking about the Plain White T's song. I'm talking about the short five second chord progression that plays during the intro to Greek in the current season. Well, they're currently in season five." Justin: So, so not to be confused with the progression--- Griffin : So-- Don't get it, don't get this shit twisted because the first four seasons opened up with Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's. Now it's just uh, like a generic sort of four chord. You'd know it if you heard it. Justin : Yeah, of course it goes bar bar bar bee! Right? That one? Griffin: Play it by ear Justin : Right Travis: I love that that is a concern. Like that he watched the show and all he came away with was, "What were those notes!?" Justin : What were those notes!? Griffin : I'll get that occa-, I will get that an occasionally like from a television show. Like I'm sure that there have been, like um, like uhhh Tail Spin. Justin : Sure Travis : Ha! Griffin : Like I'll want to learn the intro to Tail Spin on guitar, and then I will go and I will make that dream a reality. Justin : We're not talking though, we're not talking about... Griffin : We're not talking about a timeless children's cartoon classic! Justin : A song where you play it at a party and get the whole party rocking. We're talking about five notes where someone is like, "What is that? Was that a song?" "Oh, you know, the beginning of Greek." Just taking it all. Travis : The beep boop bop boo beep song Justin : Yeah, you know, from Greek! Griffin : Oh shit. Wait a minute! Justin : Wait a minute! Not only would I not recognize that upon hearing it. NO ONE WATCHES GREEK! No one's ever seen it! Griffin : No, no. Travis : That's the heart of the mountain. Griffin : Listen, I got it. I just got confused. He said ABC series Greek. It's ABC Family series. Justin : Oh, riiiight. Griffin : I have seen that show! Travis : Yeah no, those five notes rule, they are epic! Tears, tears. Griffin : I own the whole collection, the whole Greek, they call it the Frat House box set duplexed. Travis : It comes in a keg, which is nice. Griffin : Comes in uh two kegs, 'cause there's a lot of discs. Justin : And as soon as you open it, go to open it, it melts it down. ([Laughs]) As well it should be. Great. Travis : Ahh. Justin : It's a fine question, and I don't have an answer for you. Griffin : Go play their music. Go learn how to play. There's so many good songs. Justin: Spambot wants to know...
Question # 2 (00:09:57) Edit
How do I get my incredibly talented artist friends to draw more?--by Spambot
Travis : Um. Griffin : I don't think if your "incredibly talented" artist friends, if they don't draw that frequently then they're either not incredibly talented or they're not artists at all. Travis: Or they're not your friends. Griffin : Well, no, I wouldn't go that far. Maybe they're doing all of this secret drawing and they're just keeping it. Travis : Yeah, that's for their real friends. Griffin : Oh shit, here comes Spambot! Put the pencils down! Put down the pencils! He's coming! Justin : I don't want him to see 'cause every time he's like, "You...," t-t-that's a 20 minute conversation. He sees them working and it's, "Oh I'm so glad to see you're doing that. Travis : Aw keep it up! Keep. It. Up! Justin : Looks great. Griffin : Whatever happened? You did two years as RISDI and then you just stopped! What happened to your life!?" Travis : Now you're doing sculpting! Go back to drawing. My advice is this: Most likely, um, they know better than you know, uh, how good they actually are. Justin: Their advance knowledge of the field. Travis : Yeah so you're looking at it going, "Oh my God!" But they've just been sketching Marvin the Martian. ([Laughter]) And they know that--- Justin : And they get funny and ironic. But really like, they know. It's Marvin the Martian. Travis : Listen, I just drew this dog and upside down heart, and he's a happy dog. And you're like, "Oh my God!" And you're crying and moved. Um, let them not draw that anymore. Justin : It's probably a good idea. Griffin : Uh, here's another one from the Yahoo contingency. This one's from Caitlyn W. Justin : These are not our fans by the way. Travis : Wait to jump back real quick... Justin : MBMBAM Travis : If you actually want them to draw more? Encourage them--- Justin : Wait, really, you're just gonna--- Griffin : No, no. Niet, niet, niet, niet. Justin : We're done with here, we're done here. Griffin : Here we go. This one, headline:
Yahoo # 2 (00:11:41) Edit
Y From Yahoo Answers user Caitlyn W.
I went on a first date with this guy; I didn’t know what to say to him? So a guy I knew went on a date with me today. I was really excited beforehand and I couldn’t wait to see him. I really like him a lot, no words can describe it. So anyways, we went to a movie and then when it was over we walked around. But I didn’t have much to say, neither did him. It felt sort of awkward. I did want to say something, I just don’t know what. So I hope to God that there’s going to be another date with him soon.
Travis: You know who I like? That quiet girl! Griffin : She goes on to ask for topics, like to talk about. What shocked me was, yeah we had this super awkward date, didn't have anything to talk about. Just three hours spent in the most horrifying silence imaginable. SO GRRCK! CAN'T WAIT FOR DATE TWO! Justin : Date two! Bring it back! He said he'd take me to Coldstone! Woooooo! Griffin : At least at Coldstone you have, "Uh, so what did you, uh, what did you go with? Cake batter and graham crackers. That's, uh..." Travis : Are there gummy bears IN there? Justin : Yeah, It's not a big deal. Griffin : Do you have a funny story about graham crackers? I don't either. Travis : Can't wait to see you on date three! Griffin : What time is it? It's only 7:21? Oh my God. Travis : Isn't your mom picking us up? Justin : You know the real awkward moment that had to be like, (whispers) click, click. Hey, hey what are you, what are you writing on your phone? I just, I was just, I was just asking Yahoo, uh...the date was going, I thought it was going pretty good. Well... Griffin : Oh my GOD! I didn't read the answers!!! There were answer. Uhhhhh, I already found my favorite. Here's, here's... Justin : Okay, just hit me with the favorite Griffin : This one isn't my favorite, I'm going to save the favorites, get some suspense. Here's not my favorite: Oooooo, he probably thinks you're not interested in him now. Text him now and say I really enjoyed a date with a smiley face. Justin : This is so important, the smiley face. Travis : Yeah, you don't want to make it seem ironic. Griffin : One person says-- Danny says, "Well, for my first dates I usually go on a double date." Well, that makes, that, you know, I've pulled that game. I've played that game before. Here's my favorite: IT'S FROM JACK DANIELS!! One of the few people on Yahoo Questions with an avatar and a tim--- Justin : Ironically if you're Jack Daniels, you never have to worry about what to say next. It's just there. Griffin : It's an avatar of him, and he's wearing a backwards baseball hat. He's got headphones on, and he's winking. Right. Justin : Wait, this is Jack Daniels, with like the old-- Griffin : Jack Daniels avatar Justin : Sepia tone goatee? Griffin : No, no. It's like one of those fucking zwinky (laughs) cartoon yourself! Travis: Ohhhh, yeah. Griffin : Here's the answer, ya ready? Shhh, shhh, no laughing, seriously. This was answered 23 minutes ago, too, so this is hot off the oven. Shhh shhh, shh shhh. Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh Justin : Can't! I can't do this! Griffin : Shhh shhh shhh! Justin : Okay Travis : I can't... Justin : Okay, okay. Griffin : Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh. Sometimes the quietest moments can say the most about yourself. Travis: And those footprints in the sand, but it was the ones that--- Griffin: I'm literally creating a Yahoo Answers profile right now so that I can give his comment a thumbs up. Make it the highest rated answer of all time. Travis: I would like to picture him really super drunk when he wrote that to like this is a quiet moment--. Justin: Hey Jack Daniels, can you take your headphones off and talk. Talk girl, nah. Listen, straight up Griffin : Straight up Justin : The quietest moments, girl, I just told this one bitch on Yahoo Answers what's up! I just told her that the quietest, the quietest answers, you know? What's up? Griffin : What's great, it's all, all-- Travis : And to be fair... Griffin : --his answer's all lower case, too, so [whispering]. Travis: And you know what, he's right, because those quiet moments told her date, this is a terrible date. Griffin : This is awful! Justin : You did in affect communicate more than you probably could have. Travis: Guess what? [whispers] I'm boring! Griffin : [Whispers] This is what it would be like forever if we got married. Forever. Justin : Can you imagine our children sitting in silence and staring at us, and wondering, "Why Mommy and Daddy don't talk?" [whispers] Think of it...it's a world away! But it's really just a second date away. Call me! Travis : No don't! Justin : Text me! And then I won't answer, and it will be like I'm there! Travis : Call me and I'll breathe into the phone for a while. Justin: Susanne, uh, I believe it's "iles," but it could be two l's at the end. She's actually from County Cork according to her Twitter, Twitter profile.
Question # 3 (00:16:20) Edit
I really need advice on how to add, oh, about 10 hours to my day. Can you help?- Susanne Iles
Justin: Now this is of course impossible, but time management. What's the secret? Griffin: I've got a couple-- Justin: "I really need advice on how to add, oh, about 10 hours to my day. Could you help?" We can, of course. We always have an answer. Griffin: Right. Um, the not-sleeping thing is good, but like not- not jokingly like sleep-- Sleep less. Travis: Yes-- Griffin: Go to sleep earlier, wake up earlier. Justin: See, I don't agr-- I don't cotton (?) to that. I think, I think your sleep time is so important. Griffin: It is important, but you don't have to do thirteen hours of it, you know? You gotta take good care of yourself, and then get, I dunno, seven? Travis: Here's the way I look at it. Go to sleep later, but wake up at the same time. Because that so much for me is, I wake up earlier and I'm tired even if I got the same amount of sleep. Justin: It's very-- Yeah. Griffin: Do you know what another good one that I-- I've been working on? Justin: What? Griffin: In that, um-- Don't-- Try your very best to not read anything. Justin and Travis: (laughs) Griffin: Don't read-- 'cause every second you spend-- Not even a book, but like on the Internet-- Um, every second-- Travis: Or a sign. Griffin: Or a road sign. Or... instructions for medicine. Like that is, those are minutes. Minutes a day that you spend reading that you could be, that you could spend doing other things. Griffin: If you don't read a lot, and you cut that out of your regimen, oh, it's so much time. You're just gonna-- you'll be amazed at how the day opens up to you. Justin: In the news, in the news biz, we have something called the inverted pyramid where the most important stuff is up top. So basically, just read the headline and if you're not gettin' the news then they've let you down. Griffin: Oh oh oh-- Justin: If you have to read beyond that. Griffin: I should have been more specific. Just don't read the news either. There's, there's not much of a reason to read it-- Justin: Okay. Travis: Once you read the news, it's already happened. That's past. That's up-- Justin: Yeah, that's back, that's back-- You know what, another thing people do is they do things too many times. Like you go to hug someone and you start the hug and it's like, "Yes, I get you're hugging me." And you start enjoying it too much. And you're there for what, 20-30 minutes. Just, just give 'em a quick in-and-out, a quick hug, you're done. The hug is accomplished, then you got, you just picked up 20 minutes. Griffin: Yeah. Travis: Also, stop eating. Griffin: No, eating's cool. Justin: Nah, eating's down. Griffin: Eating's, eating's pretty cool. I'm saying that like you need to re-evaluate, you need to look at the things in your life that you're doing, and you need to figure out what you would rather be doing with that time. Justin: Also, seems counter-intuitive, mid-day nap. Travis: Yeah. Justin: Just super energizing. Get yourself a fazizz going. Just, ooh, in-and-out. Griffin: 'Cause if you can get yourself a 20 minute pow-- Justin: Power nap? Power nap. Griffin: 20 minute power nap in the, in mid-day, then-- then, the rest of the day is gonna feel longer. Justin: Right, yeah. Griffin: It's a little secret. Justin: Little pro-tip. It's about perception. It's a question of perception.
19:21 - Ryan Gann is afraid of bees, wasps, and hornets. When he wears red shirts in the spring they seem to go near me. What do I do?
Travis: Don't go-- Justin: Okay, first off, that's a perfect-- We have so many fears that are irrational. The fear of stinging insects is a direct re-- Celebrate that fear! That's exactly right. Yes! Travis: Like I'm being afraid of a shark that's swimming near me. Yeah! Justin: Yeah! Travis: Yeah! Be afraid of that shark. Justin: Absolutely! Griffin: Um, I mean the smart-ass answer is, don't wear-- don't wear a red shirt. Justin: Probably doesn't have-- Travis: That's what I said. Justin: But I-- The Enterprise captain told him that he doesn't have long for this world so, he's wearing a red shirt. He's gonna get skooked. Griffin: But I get like-- Justin: Gonna go to the planet before (?) he gets skooked by some multi-tentacled, fencer-wielding(?)-- Griffin: I understand that I have so few shirts in my life, that I think that I have a good positive body image when I'm wearing-- And one of 'em-- One of them's red. And like maybe Ryan's in the same boat where he's got this sweet-ass red shirt that he got at PacSun and he-- Justin: Griffin is sort of like Doug Funnie. Griffin: It makes me feel good-- Justin: Griffin is-- Griffin has fundamentally what is a uniform: The Griffin uniform. You open up his closet, it's 20 of his red shirts from PacSun. Travis: And all snap-button shirts. Justin: Slacks. A cock ring. Travis and Griffin: (laughs) Justin: It's the same everyday. Griffin: A red-- A red cock ring. I-- But I understand what he's saying like, this, not wearing the red shirt's not an option because if you stop wearing the red shirt then the terrorist wasps win. Griffin: So what you can do is, you can spritz yourself with Off. But that's not-- you don't want that scent following you around. I heard about these things, they're um, they are medallions. They're like, they're medallions you can either like snap to your belt or I guess wear around your neck if you-- They're not particularly stylish but they-- they exude Off or some sort of bug repellent. Travis: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Griffin: It-- it's not like a-- it's-- why is it disgusting? It's not unsanitary, it's like a little puff- Travis: No, 'cause I'm picturing wearing it like a necklace. And it's just exuding Off. Griffin: Like anti-wasp pheromones. Justin: What do you smell like? I smell-- You smell like, you smell like Off. You have a DEET, you have a DEETesque aroma. Travis: A real strong citronella smell. Griffin: Citronella... Justin: Sort of a citronella meets Off... Travis: And ass... Justin: Just ass, like you smell like ass, like-- Griffin: Dude, that-- that medallion though. Travis: But you look awesome. Griffin: Looks really great with that red shirt, it's all colludes-- Justin: Are we talking about like an enchantment, is this more of an enchantment-- Griffin: I would say-- Justin: The only medallions that I know of are either beef or enchanted. Travis: Here's what you do, you go down to the magic store and you tell them that you're having a wasp issue. He's knows that you're talking about it, don't worry, he's got it. Justin: It's very old. He goes down, uh, to the medallion wing of the magic store, gets you a medallion, not a big deal. Griffin: The other thing you can do is just ruuun away from them as fast as you can. That-- that's my Justin: They are really small. Travis: Make sure you scream like a girl too. That's really important. Justin: Yeah-- That's a natural defense. Griffin: Travis and I-- and I in our, um, our Cincinnati love-nest, we have a balcony and I'll occasionally go up there and play guitar for all the children, the small children-- Travis: He plays the five chords from Greek. Justin: (laughs) Griffin: Sometimes I'm just having a good time playing a mellow Greek jam and then like three big, fat bumblebees will come up and like-- Travis: --start to dance. 'Cause they're Greek! "You playin' Greek?" Griffin: These motherfuckers, they are plump... with... blood...? I think? Justin: (laughs) Yes, yes, bees carry blood from birth-- They just inject them with blood. Griffin: I've seen bees before-- Travis: And that's how babies are made. Justin: That's how babies are made, exactly-- Griffin: Fattest bees I've ever seen, and they'll just rush and I'll have to get up in the middle of my jam and squeal and just get, like, throw the screen door open and get inside it. Like, I just bought this new guitar, I don't care if it slams into the brick wall as I'm like getting into the building and shutting the screen door behind me. Like, it's terrifying but you just gotta get out of there. It's just one of those things you have to deal with. Justin: Yeah, that-- You know what, that's life. Justin: Um, scrattybones. Do you guys know him? Scrattybones on Twitter. Travis: Scratty Jones? Justin: Scrattybones Jones.
23:45 - How many times a week should I shampoo my hair? I’m currently on a wash thrice shampoo every third wash cycle.
Justin: Okay, we're gonna get just real-talk here. Um, I-- Travis: Yeah, you just entered into our wheel-house. Justin: 'Cause listen, this is a matter of some debate for men of dry hair. Griffin: Lemme open up, lemme open up by saying, I didn't know, like-- This is one of those many, many things that I, as a 22 year old adult should-- should know and incorporate in my life. But I shampoo my hair every time I get in the shower. Justin: See, that's ain't-- Travis: Got that moist(?) hair. Justin: That's why you got that hair like you have. Griffin: Shouldn't be-- Justin: You're having an awakening! Guys, it's our first awakening. Griffin: (laughs) I feel like I don't-- Travis: You're listening to an awakening with Justin, Travis, and-- Griffin: I feel like I'm getting dirty, like if I don't do it, I feel dirty. Justin: But the thing is, the natural oils that your scalp produces makes your hair look-- Think of it from like a caveman era, your body biologically wants your hair to look better. It's trying to make your hair look better. It's doing what it can to help you. Travis: I like the three-day rotation. Justin: The third-day rotation, I am down. Now sometimes, what's the problem? You gotta get in there on that third day with a real hard scrub or your scalp's gonna go to shit. Griffin: That's the nightmare scenario. Travis: And also it depends-- When my hair gets longer, and I know I'm running my hands through it a lot and getting it real gross, I'll do a two-day rotation. Justin: Sure, yeah. And if you use a lot of products one day, and you gotta get away from that feeling-- And you know what, I would also-- If you wanna, if that's not good for you, get yourself a nice like smoothing gel, something that's gonna reduce that frizz for you. Justin: My man Sonny, my gay Persian hair-stylist, from Master Cuts. That's my boy Sonny. He says, "Oh, we get you some-- look real good, buddy." That's what he always says, no matter how he cuts it. Griffin: Wait a minute, Sonny? I know that fool, he used to work at Fantastic Sam's, right? Justin: Yeah, yeah. Griffin: And he migrated. Justin: And he migrated like a, like a beauti-- Travis: To a more gay Persian-friendly place. Justin: (laughs) Fantastic Sam's wasn't gay Persian-friendly enough for Sonny. Griffin: Well with a name like Fantastic Sam's, I mean... Justin: Yeah, you think-- Travis: Ah, you know they're real heterosexual American-friendly. Justin: You know what's adorable, you know what's adorable, he says, "Eh, --" I'm always going on a Friday for some reason. He says "So what you doing this weekend, buddy?" Um, you know, I'll tell him whatever boring shit I'm doing. He says, "I'm gonna go down to this new gay bar." It's called whatever, Accelerate, or whatever the new gay bar is. Travis and Griffin: (laughs) Justin: ShaMannigan's. "I wanna go to ShaMannigan's and, uh, you know my friends, they always drag me to these gay bars. I don't know, buddy." And it's like come on! Come on, Sonny! Travis: I don't even know what's going on. Justin: You're impeccably dressed, come on. I don't care! It-- It's sad. The reason we're living, he's been conditioned to try to keep that on the DL. Uh, but, uh, no, I mean, he's-- he's great. But anyway, my man Sonny, my-- my boy Sonny, he says to use the, uh, he says that I should use a smoothing gel, so I do. Just a nice-- Travis: It's important to know, you should still rinse your hair out. You should get in the shower and rinse your hair 'cause if not, that's gross. Griffin: But see, there's just one, there's one unsolved mystery here. Justin: Okay, crack it. Griffin: 'Cause you guys obviously know more about this than-- than I do. But if you don't shampoo your hair, then how are you supposed to put shampoo in your hair and let the suds run down, and then just use those suds as soap? Right? Travis: Oh, okay. Great question. Bypass the hair altogether, go straight to the chest hair. Griffin: You're telling me that I shouldn't use soap, is what I'm hearing. Except for every Wednesday and Saturday. Justin: I think that this grooming section, I'm gonna, has taken a weird turn where it's like more about-- Travis: How gross Griffin is? Justin: --how terrible the life of Griffin McElroy is. It's weird. It started off about one thing, now it's kinda depressing. Griffin: I'm as clean as a motherfucker, but I do it in suspect ways. Justin: Yeah, yeah. Travis: He's going for that every-man "I've got this, why not just combine the two tasks?" Griffin: I operate outside of the accepted social norms. Justin: I feel like-- Griffin: When it comes to showering. Justin: This has gone from like a Dear Abby column to like, a photocopied independent comic that someone on the streets of Brooklyn would hand you, where it's like "My Terrible Life-- Like What a Wreck I Am" Griffin: Or perhaps an intervention. Justin: Also apparently, Susanne, if you wanna shave a few minutes from your day, just use your shampoo as soap. Like a monster-- Travis: And cry, cry-- Justin: Just cry yourself-- Travis: How much time do we have to blackout for crying? Griffin: Before next week's show, I'm gonna get a bar of soap, I'm gonna get a thing of shampoo, uh and I'm gonna read off the ingredients in both and it's gonna be the same. Justin: Can I-- Can I-- Griffin, can I-- Griffin: So embarrassing. Justin: Griffin, are you conditioning? Griffin: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Justin: Okay, alright. Travis: Oh, see but you don't want to do that everyday either. Griffin: No, I do that every-- I do that every-- I do that twice, I do that twice a day. Travis: No, do not do that. Do not-- Griffin: What?! Travis: Yeah, you didn't know that? Griffin: I'll carry a little bottle of sha-- of conditioner around with me. I'll do it like in the shower and like after lunch, it just dries-- Travis: No, no, no. You don't wanna condition everyday. Every time I go to get my hair cut, um, when I get my hair cut, the girl's like "Have you conditioned yesterday or today?" And if I say yes, she won't do it. Like because you lose manageability of your hair. Like I know. But like, your hair should be somewhat coarse so that it holds a natural shape. Justin: WorkingStiffPro says, uh, "Dear--", yeah, this is my-- this is our subtle cue.
29:23 - Dear MBMBAM I’m looking for love, not the sicko type, but if I find that I’m not opposed; any ideas?
Griffin: I think that you’re—you’ve got a stick up your ass. I don’t think you should—I don’t think you should—if you ain’t got love, you shouldn’t be able to cast dispersions about… Justin: Yeah, maybe you get that weird love, that pillow-shaped-like-a-person love. [laughter] Griffin: Who’s to say that’s not love though? Travis: I actually—I actually just had my mind changed on Internet dating. Justin: Yeah? Travis: Like, I was talking to a female friend of mine, and all she does is Internet dating ‘cause in her mind she doesn’t have time to go through all the shit of, like, going to a bar, and, like, the guys she works with she sees every day so she doesn’t wanna do that—and I was like you know what? I have been judging that too harshly… Now that being said, ladies and gentlemen— Griffin: Don’t get near that Craigslist. Travis: There are some freakin’ freaks on the Internet; do not trust people in anything, BUT I now see that as a viable, like, ‘hey, good work,’ um, if you wanna go through Internet dating and that’s your jam, do it, and don’t be ashamed of it. Griffin: But even when that Internet dating—it’s like a Craigslist listing that’s like ‘hey—‘ Travis: Right— Griffin: ‘How’s it going? You wanna come over and hang out? We can watch movies, and you—‘ Travis: No! Griffin: ‘And you can jerk off my dog.’ No! Wait a second! [laughter] Travis: But-- Griffin: Waaaaaaaait a second—But that’s still love for that person. Travis: But if you go to a community—if you’re gonna shop online for dudes… or chicks—ladies, excuse me, um, uh, yeah, make sure it’s a community you trust, like the MBMBAM community of fans. Griffin: Lots of singles just... Travis: Lots of singles just mixin’ it up in there. Justin: That being said: pics only please. Travis: [laughing] Pics only. Justin: Pics only. Travis: A/S/L. Griffin: And no fatties. Justin: Ooh-- Travis: Best way to do it? Meet new people, dude. Just meet new people. Every day, meet some new people. Justin: Yeah, and give it—and remember, just, just, here’s a good, just, tip for life: remember it’s impossible to get someone interested in you, so be interested in other people. Travis: That’s—that’s the secret to success. Justin: Nobody—everybody wants to feel like people are interested in them; get interested in other people, and the love—the love will find you. Travis: And here’s my secret, dude: when you go out, and you’re looking for a girl. have girls with you. Girls will trust you so much more. Justin: That’s good, too, yeah. Travis: ‘Cause there’s always that natural, that, I feel creepy walking up to a girl at a bar and being like ‘Hey, baby, can I buy you a drink?’ but if you have another girl with you, that’s a Litmus test for this girl, like, ‘oh, this dude’s not a super creep-o serial killer; I can at least chat with him for now.’ And then don’t push it. Don’t push it. If you’re like ‘Can I buy you a drink?’, you have a good ten-minute conversation, be like, ‘Alright, that’s a W, if we come back and talk again later, great,’ but don’t try to move from ten-minute conversation to ‘So do you wanna get married?’ Just enjoy that ten minutes, and, you know, see how it goes later. Griffin: Or… another option: don’t feel like, you know, you have to be in love with somebody. You know? I’ve got a pretty good life, you know, I’m single—no prospects— Travis: [laughing] And he only shampoos every other day! Justin: You heard it here ladies! ‘Shampoo-is-soap’ Griffin McElroy is on the market! Griffin: At 12:30, I wanted to have a hot dog and a soda, but we didn't have buns, we had some leftover brats that my brother made last night on the grill. And I cut it up and I put it-- Travis: That were already a week old, important to note. Griffin: Put it in ramen, and I didn't have soda so I drank beer. And it was 12. It was 12 o'clock. So you don't need any-- you don't need-- if you have someone that could tell you not to do that... Justin: (laughs) You don't-- It doesn't matter sicko, it doesn't matter love, you just need someone-- Travis: --with enough conscience and awareness. (laughs) You don't eat brat and ramen and beer at 12 o'clock. Go outside. Griffin: You need people in your life. (laughs) You need-- I got Justin and Travis, without them, fuck... I would be-- I'd just eat the shampoo and get confused. Travis: And then rub the ramen all over-- Griffin: And then rub the ramen all over-- Travis: --which I am not willing to say he has not done. Griffin: Well, look, when you don't have a loofah... Justin and Travis: (laughs) Griffin: Desperate times call for desperate loofahs.
33:43 - Y -
What is the first song that comes to mind when I say the word “party”?
Everyone: (laughs) Travis: I'm pretty sure I know what Justin's answer would be to that question. Griffin: I-- Do you know what, I'm gonna say the top answer on this Yahoo question is the correct one. Travis: Is it Andrew W. K.'s-- Griffin: "Party Hard"? No, it-- that is on there. Justin: What about DMX's "Party Up In Here"? Griffin: Uh, I don't actually see that on the list. We're assuming that the answers that have been given are indeed the correct answers. Travis: Yeah, I have one more guess. Lionel Richie, "All Night Long". Griffin: No, close. "Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy is one of the top users. It's not THE top answer. Uh, someone said "Birthday" by The Beatles. Actually no, that's the worst song ever recorded. Travis: It is the worst song. Griffin: Uhhh... "Party in the USA" is on here a couple of times by the musical ingenue Miley Cyrus. Justin: Well, yeah. You know, she wrote the Greek theme song. Travis and Griffin: (laugh) Griffin: The top answer, though... Do you guys really not know it? Justin: Tell me. Griffin: I guarantee you know it if you think. Justin: I will probably know it once you say it, I will be familiar-- Travis: It's "Hollywood Nights" by B. Seger. Griffin: (singing) Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots... Travis: Oh no, is it? Travis: That's the best answer ever. Justin: I mean, that's a very good answer, I mean, it should come to your mind when someone's trying to get the party started. No one's ever been having a bad time when someone drops "Shots" and everyone's like "I dunno". No, it's time. Travis: There are two words in that song that always make me go "Well, yeah" and it's "buttery nipples". And when they say it, ah, that is heaven. Heaven. Griffin: For me, for me, it's "shots". Travis: And then they say-- Griffin: The 23rd and 28th instances of the word being used. Travis: I think it's the best usage of Lil Jon I've ever seen. God. The best use of the force that is Lil Jon. Justin: I think the best use of Lil Jon was that time when my car broke down and he pulled over to help me with my tire. Travis: That was pretty cool. Justin: It was nice. Griffin: (As Lil Jon) GET THEM LOVE-NUT! Justin: I'm right here, Jon. You don't-- Griffin: (As Lil Jon) GET A LITTLE LOUD! Justin: Well, Jon. I, I know. You look about the same height as me. Um, I was just passing you one nut, so you don't need to yell. Unnecessary. Travis: (sighs) Now I really wanna listen to "Shots". Justin: Uh, unfortunately that-- Griffin: I think, it's the theme song. Travis: It's the theme song to my life. Oh, that's a sad thing to say out loud. Justin: I can't think of a finer, finer moment to close on. Check. Griffin: I think it would good for us to, when we end each show, to have one question that we announce at the end of the show and then just, you know, ruminate on until the start of next week's show when we've had a week to think about it. Um-- Justin: You have a question, don't you? Justin: I-- I have it, yes, on Yahoo. Justin: Okay, that's where we're headed. Griffin: So you let me know when you're ready for the end to come. Travis: Well, Justin, if they wanna contact us, what's the best way to get a question out into the Ethernet for us? Justin: Uh, you just use the Twitter. And use the uh, use the #MBMBAM or uh... you can use the Internet to email. It's email@example.com. And we will have more options for you as we progress or other things are in the works but for now, that's how we roll.
37:20 - FY -
Can birds get allergies?
- Allegedly, Travis thought this episode was just a practice run, and was unaware it would be the actual first episode.