Intro (Bob Ball): | The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he‘s a sexpert, but if there‘s a degree on his wall, I haven‘t seen it. Also, this show isn‘t for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What‘s up, you cool baby? |
Intro (00:43)[]
Justin: | One, two, three, and fuck it. [Travis laughs] It's the McElroy brothers, back for another MBMBaM. I feel like here, on the advice show for the modern era, we can curse a lot more now that we have Bob Ball telling people, "Watch out! Cursing." |
Travis: | I actually, I have Bob Ball follow me around all the time, just to do that. Like, "Watch out, Travis is about to curse." [Justin laughs] |
Griffin: | "This guys about to say some shit!" |
Justin: | "Oh I'm sorry, I just did it. I just cursed in the disclaimer." |
Travis: | And then he has a guy that follows him around that says, "Bob Ball is about to curse when he tells you Travis is about to curse." |
Justin: | And hey, pretty soon, everybody's employed. You're welcome, Obama! [Griffin snorts, Travis laughs] Problem solved. |
Griffin: | Hey guys, happy 20th anniversary — |
Justin: | Happy 20th anniversary. |
Travis: | Thank you. |
Griffin: | — of the very first show we did. Can you believe it? |
Justin: | I cannot believe it. Our 20th birthday. |
Travis: | It seems like only 21 weeks ago… |
Griffin: | It was. |
Travis: | It was. |
Justin: | It was. Sorry about that one week, by the way. |
Griffin: | Dammit! |
Travis: | [snort] Yeah. |
Justin: | Hey, here on the advice show for the modern era, we take your questions and turn them into wisdom. It's alchemy. And I'm gonna kick it off right now. |
Question #1 (01:56)[]
Justin: | "I'm almost 30 years old, and I've never really had a nickname," says Formspring. I think "Formspring" is a pretty good nickname, [Griffin laughs] but let's move on. "I'm starting a new job soon, and I think this might be my last chance. Should I just introduce myself as 'Highway' or 'Hunter'? Or do you have any other suggestions?" |
Justin: | "Highway Hunter." |
Travis: | Yeah, I was gonna say "Highway Hunter" is the bes— "Highway to Heaven"? [Justin laughs] |
Justin: | "I'm Landon." |
Griffin: | Whatever it is, it has to be something that refers to either some sort of trait, some sort of physical trait, or some sort of physical item that you wear around. For instance one year, I went to church camp and I had this new pair of shitty sunglasses, and I referred to myself exclusively as "Shades". [Justin laughs] |
Justin: | That's why whenever I walk into a room, I say, "Hi, my name's 'Cock Ring.'" [Travis laughs] |
Travis: | "Hi, I'm 'Skinny Jeans.'" [Justin laughs] |
Griffin: | Whatever it is, you just, you gotta, you gotta devote yourself to it. You can't waver, 'cause if you roll up— |
Justin: | That's the thing about it! Yes. |
Griffin: | —If you roll up into church camp and you say, "What's up? They call me 'Shades,'" [Travis laughs] and then you go off that for a second, you'll never hear the end of it. [Justin laughs] |
Justin: | Yeah you, you— the trick is to pretend like this name has been given to you. |
Griffin: | "I don't even remember my real name." |
Justin: | Yeah. |
Griffin: | "If it doesn't say 'Shades' on my birth certificate, I don't know." |
Justin: | Yeah, exactly. "I don't know, people have been calling me 'Shades' for so long that I don't even really remember what my real name is," 'cause it's gotta be like "Eh, back in school—" And you gotta— oh oh oh, backstory! |
Travis: | Oh yeah, oh yeah. |
Justin: | You gotta have like a convincing backstory for this name. It doesn't have to be a good one. |
Travis: | The important thing is that it's casual backstory, not like something you've thought about, but like, "Oh yeah, no—" |
Justin: | It can't be intricate. |
Griffin: | "They call me 'Funyuns.'" "Why?" "…I like Funyuns. I like to eat 'em." |
Justin: | "They call me 'Red,' 'cause I like… I just like red, I don't know." |
Travis: | "I like the color red a lot." |
Griffin: | "It's my favorite color." |
Justin: | So better than that, but— |
Travis: | I think it would be great though, is if you picked another name as your nickname. If you're like, "Hi, my name's Travis, but people call me 'Ignacio.'" Like, just don't, don't make it make sense, and I think that's the way to go. |
Griffin: | Highway— |
Travis: | Or in reality, don't give yourself a nickname. |
Justin: | Yeah. |
Travis: | Do not give yourself a nickname ever. |
Justin: | You just gotta pretend— You don't give it to yourself. You pretend it was given to you by a group that these people will never ever meet. |
Griffin: | Yep. |
Question #2 (04:20)[]
Justin: | "So not long ago—" This is Leo, from Gmail. "Not long ago, a girl I really liked asked me out on a date. It went well, even to the point of her coming up with a whole bunch of ideas for follow-up dates." Okay, pre-planning, good. "Thinking this meant she dug me, I decided to ask her to our high school prom. She said no, even though she didn't have another date, and even came and gloated to me when she did find one. Since then, she's ignored me completely. This wouldn't be a problem, except we'll both be going to the same university. We'll be in the same faculty and we'll both be living in res, starting in a couple—" Maybe like residency halls? Something? |
Griffin: | I think so, yeah. |
Justin: | Yeah, "—starting in a couple weeks. So, since I'll probably be seeing her somewhat regularly in the next while, how do I make thing less awkward? Unfortunately, packing up and leaving isn't an option." |
Griffin: | Dammit! |
Justin: | Dammit! That's our, that's our A-material. "Thanks and keep up the good work. — Leo" Hmm… |
Travis: | My real question is, "Leo, what did you do?" |
Justin: | What did you do? |
Griffin: | Yeah, Leo. |
Justin: | How— |
Travis: | She was planning other dates! |
Justin: | How gnarly was that, was that gas you ripped at the end, where she was like, "Never again…" [Griffin snorts, Travis laughs] "This is the worst toot in history." Um, hey— |
Travis: | The toot heard 'round the world! |
Justin: | The toot heard 'round the world! Leo, here's, here's something for you to gnosh on: Maybe, since you were the one that was wronged in this scenario, maybe you shouldn't be the one sweating how awkward it is. Maybe you, Leo, should be just riding that awkward wave. Give her the, pretend you don't know who she is. That'll go good. |
Travis: | Ooh. I like that. |
Justin: | You like that? |
Travis: | Yeah. |
Justin: | Yeah, I think that's pretty good. Griffin, how do you make things less awkward with girls like this? |
Griffin: | I shit you not, like, packing up and moving away is, is one of the few options. Otherwise, I mean time's gonna, time's going to heal those wounds and really, you're gonna meet so many new people at "university," as you say, that, I, I really don't think it's, it's not going to be a big deal man. |
Travis: | And that's the thing, like, I don't know what school you're going to, but most of them are big enough that you're not going to see her. Like you might see her two times in the next year. So you know, don't, don't worry about it. But if you do see her, just punch her right in the face. |
Justin: | No, don't punch her. Travis— |
Griffin: | Don't punch her in the face. |
Justin: | No, don't punch her in the face. |
Travis: | Oh sorry, my fault. |
Justin: | God! |
Travis: | God, I get caught up sometimes. And— |
Justin: | When are we going to get a new brother? |
Question #3 (06:56)[]
Justin: | "I am, I am a single young gentleman who relies on the advice from others as a formative measure. When talking to people, I often find myself giving anecdotes and metaphors too frequently. Even I will admit that most are pointless and/or boring. Am I being rude or do I need to refine these skills? Please help, Simon." I don't see why it can't be both, Simon, but maybe you are being rude and yes, you need to get better at that. Travis, do you have any advice for him? |
Travis: | [laughs] You can never use anecdotes and metaphors too frequently. |
Justin: | Oh. |
Travis: | In fact, you should only speak in metaphors. |
Justin: | Okay, well that's probably, maybe he— Travis wasn't the one I should have turned to for wisdom on this. |
Travis: | To be fair, I don't know what a metaphor is, so… |
Justin: | I can't remember if that's the one with "like" or "as." You, you would probably be well to, to remember that, that there's nothing that says you have to speak at any given moment. Sometimes I'll mull over five to ten different things I could say in a given situation and then wait until I come up with a really good one and then say that. 'Cause a lot of times if you talk and don't really think about it before you talk, you'll just, it'll, you'll, well you'll be recording the show, but, but sometimes people will let you host a podcast, but, um, it's, it's not the best way to entertain. Try asking more questions. |
Travis: | As far as being rude goes, Justin pretty much hit it on the head there, is the rudeness comes from taking up all of the space in the conversation. |
Justin: | Or in the room, if you're, if you're a real fatty. That's rude too. |
Griffin: | I still don't understand how using metaphors in conversation is rude. |
Justin: | Maybe they're like overly long metaphors. Like, today is like a day that— |
Griffin: | That's a simile. |
Justin: | It's like a sun. See, okay, so metaphor is the one with "as," right? |
Griffin: | That would be like saying "Today is a sun." |
Justin: | "Today is a sun!" |
Griffin: | Maybe, maybe his metaphor is "You're a pussy." [Justin and Travis laugh] |
Travis: | Maybe he's confusing metaphor with "Your Mama" jokes. |
Justin: | Yeah. Are you not dropping enough of those? Because those are pretty important for social skills. In the end, you just need to focus and think about what you're saying before you say it, 'cause if it's not something that you would like to hear, then chances are other people wouldn't like to hear it either. |
Griffin: | Also listen to a lot— |
Travis: | Hold on, I'm going to write, I'm going to write that down. Okay. |
Griffin: | Listen to a lot of standup comedy and deal it. Just cold house it. Yeah, and no one will be the wiser. |
Justin: | [cross-talk] |
Griffin: | Yahoo Answers, Yahoo Answers user "Moley" asks— Oh, and this question was sent in by TJ Mad. Thank you TJ Mad. "Moley" asks: |
Question #4 (09:32)[]
Griffin: | "How do you treat someone with an obsession with sticky buns?" [Justin and Travis laugh] "I'm sick of the questions and the buns are mounting, so is the mold. He won't talk about anything else. You will see him on Yahoo. He's the one with an obsession with sticky buns." [Justin and Travis laugh] That was a fully formed sentence. |
Justin: | That was my favorite episode of hoarders. Did you guys see that one? |
Travis: | I think it was subtitled, "A Sticky Situation." [Justin laughs] |
Griffin: | I really, I guess the only thing you can do is get them hooked on an even more delicious food. Although you'd be hard pressed. |
Travis: | Super donut. It's super donuts. |
Griffin: | Oh Jesus. I'm obsessed with super donuts, but the fact that I'm not in elementary school keeps me from eating them for every meal. |
Justin: | Yeah, what's up with super donuts? Does anybody have any of those right now, on this podcast? |
Griffin: | If you work at a school, a public institution, we will trade you wampum-style, super donuts for t-shirts. |
Justin: | Whoa. |
Griffin: | It's a new initiative. |
Justin: | Yeah. |
Griffin: | "The Super Donuts for T-shirts Initiative." |
Justin: | Yeah. They're full of nutrients— |
Travis: | It's gonna take a lot of super donuts. |
Griffin: | They are so full of nutrients and full of flavor and they're always soggy no matter what. |
Travis: | Always. Except that last bit, 'cause they're microwaved and that last bit is always hard as a rock. |
Griffin: | That last bit is hard, like a, like some sort of donut scab. |
Justin: | That's where the nutrients are! You've got to suck the nutrients out, but you wait wait wait, don't tell me you've been eating that. That's the rind. You can't eat the rind of the super donut. |
Griffin: | I didn't know. That's, that's nature's handle. You're not supposed to eat that part of the super donut. |
Justin: | That's disgusting. |
Travis: | I loved when I moved into my new house, the gas station right by sold super donuts and they were right between like— |
Griffin: | Fuck you. |
Travis: | —the bongs and the lottery tickets. There was just a big box of super donuts. |
Justin: | They should be next to the bongs. |
Griffin: | That's sounds like the coolest department of that gas station. [Justin laughs] |
Travis: | It is. |
Griffin: | So do you think there are people who went to school in places where there weren't super donuts, that have literally no idea what we're talking about? |
Justin: | We sound like mad people, like just crazy people. |
Travis: | Like people that don't know what breakfast pizza is? |
Justin: | Just Google it and you'll find out. But basically they're delicious doughnuts with nutrients and a rind. |
Question #5 (11:52)[]
Justin: | "I'm a guy and I'm thinking of shaving my legs. If so, how far up the leg should I shave? What are your thoughts on men shaving legs?" From Formspring. Bitch, what do you think our thoughts are? I'll tell you how far up you should shave: Not. Not up, not. |
Griffin: | To the ankle. |
Justin: | To the ankle. Shave your foot. |
Travis: | Just the top of your foot and your knuckles. |
Justin: | Shave your foot, Bilbo. I'm not— |
Travis: | The answer is either not at all or all the way. |
Justin: | Yeah. Yeah. I don't want any of this half-ass shit. I want you to shave it. |
Griffin: | Shh! Inner thigh, outer calf. |
Travis: | And just the lightening bolt that goes— |
Justin: | Leg like a hairy checkerboard. That's what I want. |
Griffin: | Carve your basketball jersey number into your inner thigh hair. |
Justin: | Better yet, carve mine and we'll be going steady. |
Travis: | You shouldn't shave your leg. |
Justin: | Don't shave. |
Griffin: | Don't shave your legs. |
Travis: | Unless you're a swimmer. If you're a swimmer— |
Griffin: | If you're a professional swimmer or runner. |
Travis: | I bet that Michael Phelps shaves his legs and he could beat the shit out of me. |
Justin: | He's just all arms and sinew, isn't it? |
Travis: | [laughs] He is. He's like some kind of pterodactyl. |
Justin: | Like a pterodactyl. |
Griffin: | He's like an antelope. |
Justin: | He's like half antelope. What's up with that speed? |
Travis: | Half antelope, half pterodactyl. Tara…telope. |
Griffin: | Can you think of any other reason for shaving your legs, other than "I'm a professional athlete"? |
Justin: | Yeah. If you're a drag queen. |
Griffin: | Or— If you're a what? |
Travis: | If you're a drag queen. |
Justin: | If you're a drag queen. And what I've learned from RuPaul's Drag U is that almost all drag queens are helpful and wise. [Griffin and Travis laugh] |
Travis: | They're the wizards of the modern generation. |
Justin: | They are the wizards. If you're starting a quest, don't even trip, don't even hang out with that wizard. Just skip to a— skip to a drag queen. They know everything. They've seen, they've seen the coin from both sides and they like it. They like when they saw. |
Question #6 (13:35)[]
Justin: | "I met the most beautiful girl." This is from Andrew, Gmail. "I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen last night and she's single, so I want to take a shot at her." Whoa! |
Griffin: | Whoa. Easy there, DC sniper. Let's chill out. |
Justin: | "The problem is I'm doing a semester long program at DC." Oh shit! |
Justin: | Oh God. |
Travis: | Aahh! |
Justin: | Oh dammit, no! "I'm leaving today. Should I add her on Facebook and keep in touch while I'm in DC or just see what happens when I get back in December, so I don't seem creepy by adding her after hanging out with her only once? — Andrew from Gmail." |
Travis: | Don't add her on Facebook. |
Justin: | Oh, add her, no one cares. |
Griffin: | Add her. Add her in a heartbeat. |
Justin: | I had people that I talked to once in high school that I do not remember, but apparently remember me, I— Facebook adding doesn't matter. |
Travis: | Well he can add her, but what's he going to keep in touch with to kind of keep that first time meeting energy alive? You know what I mean? |
Griffin: | Hey, remember that time as Sbarro? |
Travis: | We had that three minute long conversation, there were sparks. Do you remember the sparks? |
Griffin: | The Sbarro sparks? |
Justin: | It was delicious. If you, if you've already made that initial connection, if you've already talked to her and hung out a little bit, um, Facebook is a pretty good way to sort of stay in touch, stay in the loop. You can follow what she's doing, but also it can be a great tool for managing her love life until you return to be her special guy. |
Travis: | Ah. |
Justin: | So she could, if she says on her status, "Met an interesting guy tonight, might go somewhere," and you comment on that status, "Well, let's not be too hasty." |
Travis: | Let's really think about that. |
Justin: | How well do you know him? |
Griffin: | Have you seen the latest AIDS stats? Everyone's got it. |
Justin: | They're pretty AIDSy, so maybe you should just think about that. Oh, is it Rick? Oof, who hasn't Rick been with? Pfft, Rick. |
Griffin: | Yeah, just add her on Facebook because A) it doesn't matter, and B) if she is interested then that's kind of a way of, you know, you showing that you're interested. Kind of a sad way, but— |
Justin: | Yeah, kind of a way that makes you wanna, makes me wish that you thought I was cute so you'd shoot me. |
Griffin: | Formspring asks: |
Question #7 (15:53)[]
Griffin: | "Hi MBMBaM, I just dyed my hair fuchsia and I am now thinking of the next color that I'm going to do. I am a girl, so the pinks and purples are okay. What do you think would be a good color? Thank you in advance Toni!" |
Travis: | I think it's "Thank you in advance, comma, Toni." |
Griffin: | Oh, I— |
Justin: | [motherly southern accent] Toni, you were always such a pretty girl. Toni, I remember brushing out your long brown hair and saying to everybody, she looks just like a princess. "She looks like, she looks like a young Linda Carter," is what I used to tell people. I wish you would just dye it brown. Just dye it brown, so you could be that girl we all remember, and come home. |
Travis: | [sobbing] We miss you Toni. |
Justin: | Toni come home. |
Griffin: | I'm— |
Travis: | We miss you, the big city done swallowed you up. |
Justin: | The inner city swallowed you up Toni. |
Travis: | Come back. |
Justin: | Come on back. |
Griffin: | I'm so down with, with fuchsia colored hair. I'm down with it, Toni. I think it's, I think it's great. I think next color, how about lime green? |
Justin: | Whoa. |
Travis: | Actually I like that. |
Justin: | You went out there. Why don't you say, why don't you dye it lime green? And when people comment on it, say, "You know, got to get that money." People'll be like, "What?" It's a reminder to get that money. Toni, are you all about getting that money? Because if so I would say green. |
Travis: | Yup. |
Griffin: | I would say Toni with an "i"? All about that money. |
Justin: | She's got to get that cheddar, right? |
Travis: | Oh my— Is she one of the Tonis from like, Tony, Toni, Toné? Because then it's all about the money. |
Justin: | Whoa. Yeah, did you ask Tony and Toné what colors they're going with? Because there's nothing worse than showing up to record "Poison II" and people— and Tony and Toné— |
Griffin: | [disappointed whispering] That was, that was Bell Biv DeVoe. That was— |
Travis: | Ohh, snap! |
Justin: | Can you edit this out? [Justin and Travis laugh] |
Griffin: | Nope. I'm actually going to forward it to Bell and Biv. |
Travis: | But not DeVoe, fuck him. |
Justin: | Let's move on. |
Griffin: | DeVoe died. |
Travis: | [laughs] Oh no. |
Justin: | This comes to us— this next question says, "No one remembers that I recorded Poison. What should I do? — DeVoe." |
Travis: | That's so sad. |
Justin: | It's so sad. God. I feel like the momentum's completely off now. Can we just pretend this never happened? |
Griffin: | You know what we'll pick it back up? |
Justin: | What? |
Griffin: | A Yah— This question was sent in by Christopher, Yahoo Answers user DK. This one's gonna— |
Justin: | I always screw that up. What did Tony, Toni, Toné do? |
Griffin: | Tony, Toni, Toné? I honest to God, I couldn't tell you. |
Travis: | Griffin, you read the question, I'll do a little Googling. |
Griffin: | Travis is gonna Google. |
Justin: | "If I Had No Loot"? |
Griffin: | Here we go. DK asks: |
Question #8 (18:32)[]
Griffin: | "How should I wear a flannel shirt without looking bad?" [Justin and Travis laugh] Now listen, there's, there's a matrix of options here. We need to come up with an algorithm using these, these metrics that DK has provided. |
Justin: | Okay, okay. |
Griffin: | "Options: white v-neck, black wife-beater, white wife-beater, black crew-neck, gray, crew-neck, no undershirt. How many buttons undone? Zero, one, two, three, et cetera. Bonus: What type of jeans? Add or deduct things. I am a guy. I am skinny. I have short hair." |
Justin: | First off, I want to say how much I appreciate him going through the different numbers of buttons, because sometimes I get hitched between two and four and I have to remember, "Ah shit, 'three,' that's the one." |
Griffin: | "It is a red-black plaid flannel shirt." |
Travis: | So wait, he has one shirt that he is dying to wear. What? He's just eyeballing it from across the room, trying to figure it out? |
Griffin: | He gots to wear it the right way. You know what— |
Justin: | [laughing] I want to wear this shirt. I have one flannel shirt that grants me wishes and I have to wear it. |
Griffin: | DK, hold onto your asshole. White v-neck. |
Justin: | Okay. |
Griffin: | All buttons undone, wrapped around your waist. Torn, faded, light blue jeans. |
Travis: | I love it. |
Griffin: | It's— That's the Joey Lawrence, is what I call that look. |
Travis: | Yeah. |
Justin: | Whoa, you just blew my fashion mind. |
Griffin: | Turn it into a flannel kilt. That's, that's what I'm saying. |
Justin: | Yeah, but not a utilikilt, 'cause I'll leap to the Internet and be mad at you. |
Griffin: | I'll fucking strangle you. |
Travis: | Justin, I believe you were looking for "House Party II", from the "House Party 2" soundtrack. I think that was their big hit. |
Justin: | I wasn't looking for it, but— |
Griffin: | So, the "House Party 2" soundtrack had a song on it by Tony, Toni, Toné called "House Party II"? |
Travis: | And apparently it reached number— |
Justin: | And you— wait wait wait wait, you think, now okay, I can't tear down anybody's knowledge of Tony, Toni, Toné, but like, you think that "House Party II" was maybe their big song? That was their big hit? |
Travis: | It reached number 19 on the US R&B charts. |
Griffin: | [laughing] Do you guys remember when Will Smith did that track on the "Independence Day" soundtrack called "Independence Day"? |
Justin: | [laughing] That reached number 19 on the Hip-Hop and Soul charts if I remember correctly. |
Griffin: | [singing] Welcome to Earf, welcome to Earf, welcome welcome. |
Justin: | [singing] Welcome to Earf, welcome to Earf, welcome welcome. |
Griffin: | Can we get back to the narrative subject at hand? |
Travis: | I guess. |
Justin: | I like— can you just read like the last couple of sentences again, just the part with the, just the whole thing? |
Griffin: | "Add or deduct things. I am a guy. I am skinny. I have short hair." [Justin and Travis laugh] |
Justin: | It sounds so defensive like, like— |
Griffin: | It sounds like a math problem, like— If one douchebag is traveling at 50 miles-an-hour to Hollister to get a goofy-looking red-and-black flannel shirt, how many buttons should he button up? Add or deduct the fact that he is skinny and has short hair. |
Justin: | Can you, can you, why do you feel the need to wear this shirt? It sounds like it's causing you a lot of consternation. Maybe just throw it— do like we all do— |
Travis: | I think a better question is how many failed attempts has he had at wearing this shirt? |
Justin: | Yeah! |
Travis: | Where he just comes home dejected and strips it off, and goes, "Today wasn't my day." |
Justin: | "I can't do it, Internet." |
Griffin: | "Close, but no cigar." |
Justin: | Do you think he's got it in his room, with like three blackboards surrounding him. He's just like madly doing arithmetic. |
Travis: | "DK! You have to come out and eat!" "Shut up mom, I'm figuring out the Shirt Continuum!" |
Griffin: | "No undershirt, one button undone, blue jeans!" |
Justin: | "Honey, we're supposed to be married today. Why are you saying these things? Just say, 'I do.'" "No jeans, short hair, I'm a guy, I am skinny." |
Griffin: | "Khakis?" |
Justin: | "You wanna name your child— the name you want me to put on the birth certificate, is 'One button, black crew-neck, I am skinny, I am a guy.'" |
Griffin: | "Fanny pack?" |
Justin: | For one week, all that's written on the board in just giant letters, "Fanny pack" with a big question mark at the end. |
Griffin: | It's been 30 years and I've never even considered fanny packs. |
Justin: | "FANNY PAAACK!" |
Travis: | As he slowly chews on the end of his glasses, and then just erases the board and cries. |
Justin: | He finally, he finally, finally solves it, and in celebration, he tips over his blackboard and tears the shirt in half. And then Rod Serling— |
Travis: | "I beat you, flannel bitch!" |
Justin: | Rod Serling's like, "What's up? Twilight Zone. Deal with it. We're out of ideas and I'm dead." |
Griffin: | Formspring asks: |
Question #9 (23:18)[]
Griffin: | "Dear MBMBaM, what's the best way to meet nerdy single women? Science nerds, video game nerds, animation nerds, movie nerds, whatever.
BTW I mean non-lesbians. Overstocked on them, thank you. Regards, Single-player." Ooh, I like that. Can everyone start, whenever they ask questions, can they, can they give either like little nicknames like that that are appropriate to the question that they're asking or like for Lauren in Frankfurt or something like that? |
Justin: | Yeah, I like that. Yeah. |
Travis: | Griffin, you should know this. You like nerdy women. |
Justin: | Yeah. |
Griffin: | Oh, should I? Yeah, I do really well at this actually. |
Justin: | Do you? |
Griffin: | No! |
Travis: | Aww. |
Griffin: | They, for the most part, don't exist. They are cryptozoological in nature. |
Travis: | They're often seen riding unicorns and such. |
Griffin: | Yeah. I mean, the best thing you can do is just bounce from GameStop to GameStop, just looking for a cute cashier. |
Travis: | With a net. |
Griffin: | With a net, yeah. You have to put her in a net, whatever. No, don't, don't put anyone in a net. I really don't know what to tell you. Facebook's pretty cool. The Internet's all right. You can, you can meet lots of people in that. |
Travis: | You should check out the— |
Justin: | Why don't you go to PAX? |
Griffin: | Yeah, go to PAX, go to some sort of convention. But, ah, I don't know. |
Justin: | They're not looking to meet dudes. You put a— an attractive girl at a video game or nerdy convention is just like chum for nerd sharks. |
Griffin: | I just also, I don't think you should be, I don't think anyone should use that as a metric for people that you're looking for. |
Justin: | Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. |
Griffin: | I don't think anyone should ever be like, "Oh, I need to find a partner. How about someone who's nerdy?" I don't think anyone— like that shouldn't be, there's so many other qualities that are more important than that when looking for another person. |
Justin: | That's a great, that's a great point because like if I had asked this question 10 years ago, I mean this is probably the sort of thing that I would be looking for, right? Somebody who has similar interests to me, but, but now that I'm, that I'm older, I mean my wife and I don't, we don't have many interests that are similar. We like really disparate things, but we get along probably a little bit better because of that and because we have different spheres of interest. |
Travis: | And the important thing is, her nerdiness about certain things is something you find out. It's not like you're gonna look at her across the room and be like, oh my god, there's a huge video game nerd. |
Justin: | Right. |
Travis: | Get to know someone and you know, find out what their interests are. |
Justin: | Anybody who makes it that obvious, it's probably an affectation. |
Griffin: | Yeah. |
Justin: | Which is not, it's not something you want to be attracted to. |
Travis: | And they're probably dressed like a Final Fantasy character and you don't want to talk to them anyway. |
Justin: | This is an— this is a question at Griffin's gonna be able to knock out of the park, so I'm just gonna ask it: |
Question #10 (26:24)[]
Justin: | "I'm a member of my high school cross country team, which means I have an hour of jogging a day or more." Oh, you show off. "Problem is, as—" I get it, okay? We all get it. "Problem is, as a sensible alternative rock and indie music fan, TMBG and Suf Jan Stevens are not— |
Griffin: | WRONG. |
Justin: | "—quite the fist-pumping jams—" |
Griffin: | It's "Soofyan". |
Justin: | "Soofie"? "Soupie"? |
Griffin: | "Soofyan". |
Travis: | "Sufjin"? "Sufjin". |
Justin: | Okay, let me try again. "TMBG and Suf Jen Stevens are not the kind of fist-pumping—" Hi, I'm 29 years old, okay? [Griffin laughs] You're lucky I can turn my computer on, you slut, so shut up! "Do you guys have any suggestions for music that would me pumped up for yogging long distances? Russ, Gmail." |
Griffin: | Here, how about this? Untz untz untz untz untz untz |
Justin: | Yeah, turn us up. |
Griffin: | Untz ah untz ah untz ah Running, and running, and running. |
Justin: | Running, running, one foot, next foot, next foot, next foot, swing your hips. |
Travis: | The answer, of course, is Neil Diamond, cranked up as loud as it can go. |
Justin: | Oh, yeah, maybe. Okay, yeah. |
Griffin: | Actually, I listen to a lot of podcasts whenever I'm doing my walk around the neighborhood, not my jog. Maybe that, maybe that's missing something. Maybe you should stop. Maybe you should quit the cross country running team and join like, the cross country walking team and then listen to podcasts. |
Justin: | Cross block, cross neighborhood walking team. |
Griffin: | Other than that man, just, you know, find something with fast beat. Maybe a Daft Punk, maybe an LCD Soundsystem. Something to just, you know, get the blood pumping, |
Justin: | Get that, get that, Fix Up, Look Sharp. |
Griffin: | "Fix up look sharp." Yeah, anything off the DJ Hero soundtrack. |
Justin: | The remix. Yeah, anything off the— get the DJ Hero soundtrack. That's good. And you know what, maybe you're not listening to the right They Might Be Giants songs 'cause there's some of those that are upbeat and get you pumped. |
Griffin: | Yeah. |
Travis: | Can I recommend the "House Party 2" soundtrack? |
Griffin: | Yeah, get "House Party 2." |
Justin: | Yeah, what was that one song on there? |
Travis: | I believe you're talking about "House Party II." |
Griffin: | I have a real problem with listening to music whenever I'm running, because I don't have one of those sleek little like, iPod, baby iPods that you slide into your arm, into your cyborg arm, that just kinda like stays there. I always have it— |
Justin: | Did you just say "cyboric"? |
Griffin: | No, "cyborg." I have like a big Zune. I have like a big 30 Google-byte Zune that anytime I run, it just jangles around in my pocket— |
Justin: | Right. |
Griffin: | —and makes me, makes me look silly. |
Justin: | So are you running a lot more than I knew about, or… Is this a big problem for you? |
Griffin: | I've been doing a— |
Travis: | There's been a lot of people chasing Griffin in his new neighborhood. |
Griffin: | I've been doing a bit of exercise, yes. Is that okay? |
Justin: | [laughing] I mean, I don't want to keep anybody from growing. |
Travis: | It most certainly is not. |
Justin: | No, you should grow, like I want you to grow as a person. |
Griffin: | I am— I feel I am. |
Justin: | Okay. |
Travis: | But it's important that you don't surpass us. Like you can catch up to me, and then you gotta stop. |
Justin: | Yeah. Just get as in-shape as I am. |
Griffin: | Well that shouldn't be too hard. |
Travis: | [laughs] Awww. |
Question #11 (29:22)[]
Justin: | "I am 27 and my husband is 28. We are coming up on 30 and I am wondering if there is something that we should do before we hit 30. We don't have kids, so we don't have to worry about that and we don't want kids, so please don't say, 'Have children.'" Okay. "We live in upstate New York and have a bit of money saved up. Any suggestions? Toni" |
Griffin: | Also with an "i". |
Justin: | Wait a minute! |
Griffin: | Toni's getting a two-fer this week. |
Justin: | Congratulations, Toni. You're lucky Travis is negligent. |
Travis: | No, it's a completely different Toni. |
Justin: | Oh okay, sure. This is Toni Collette. I think you should act. Just act as much as you can, Ms. Collette, you're a real talent. You're a treasure. Hollywood treasure Toni Collette. Hmmm. |
Griffin: | Upstate New York… |
Justin: | Okay, I have a few suggestions. You could— There's skydiving. |
Griffin: | If you say "Rocky Mountain climbing"… |
Travis: | You could go on a cross-country amusement park trip. |
Justin: | Rocky Mountain climbing? |
Griffin: | You gotta stop. How about, buy an apple orchard? |
Justin: | Whoa. |
Griffin: | Buy— |
Justin: | I like that! |
Griffin: | You gotta buy something, right? Once you, when you turn 30, you have to buy something as a gift to yourself for not dying for 30 years. I really think an apple orchard in upstate New York would be a real treat. Get some farmhands— |
Justin: | When you see people doing weird things in their sixties, they had to have a moment earlier where like, they decided to do that. And this has to be your moment where like, "How did you guys get an apple orchard?" And it's like, "Well, we just—" |
Griffin: | "I turned 30 and we didn't want to have kids. These apples are our kids." |
Travis: | "Please stop eating my baby." |
Justin: | "David! David?!" |
Griffin: | "He wasn't even ripe yet, you bastard." "Your baby's really meally." |
Justin: | "Do you want another slice of Brett pie? We made it just this morning. It's full of Brett, our baby." So what we're saying to you is you should have an apple orchard, and you should make the apples your babies. |
Travis: | And Sharpie on faces on every one. |
Justin: | And Sharpie faces. |
Griffin: | It doesn't have to be an apple orchard, but it has to be something big and irresponsible. |
Travis: | It has to be some kind of orchard. |
Justin: | Yeah, but make sure— it has to be something you have no idea how to take care of, too. It has to be like in three months, |
Travis: | A llama farm. |
Justin: | —"Oh shit, all our alpacas are dead." [Griffin and Travis laugh] "These alpacas are dead as fuck. We did not think about this before we did it." |
Travis: | I like that. |
Justin: | Do you? |
Travis: | Do that one. |
Question #12 (31:52)[]
Griffin: | "My best friend lives about 1.5 hours away." That's 90 minutes. "And every time she comes into town, she demands that we hang out all the time. Now, I would love to, but I have a life aside from her, a job, and sometimes I'm just tired at the end of the day, and not in the social mind to hang out. I tell her and she keeps demanding. What should I say to her, or am I just not appreciating our friendship as much as her?" Hey, do you guys remember that question? I think it was like last week or the week before that, where someone talked about how they went in town to hang out with their best friend, but they didn't want to hang out with them? |
Travis: | Uh huh. Ohhh. |
Justin: | Uh oh. |
Travis: | We've actually received this question a couple of times and thank you for listening when I said to send it again, because I forget all the past questions. I don't know if they're related, but if so, apologies. |
Griffin: | I just, I think you just got to bite the bullet. Like if I have a friend in town, I'll hang out with them, even if I'm not even particularly close friends with them or don't want to hang out. |
Travis: | But the friend lives an hour-and-a-half away. It's not like she moved to Nebraska or something. Like she probably sees her once a week, you know what I mean? |
Griffin: | Yeah. |
Travis: | Like, it's not that epic a deal that she's in town. |
Griffin: | I love how you think Nebraska isn't close to anything, like Nebraska is universally far away from every point. |
Justin: | No matter where you are— |
Travis: | To be fair, I meant to say Alaska, and it came out as Nebraska. |
Griffin: | Regardless, any— |
Justin: | Earlier, I meant to say Bill Biv DeVoe, and it came out as Tony, Toni, Toné. That's my fault. I meant to say "House Party II," and it came out as "Poison." Yeah, just drop her. If you don't want to hang out with her— Yeah, sorry. If you don't want to hang out with her, then that means that you don't want to hang out with her, and that— and this— and there is a quick solution to that problem that means like, it's not being her friend anymore. |
Travis: | You could come up with a creative like, you know, "I can't, I have the flu" or "crabs" or something, but you could keep coming up with those lies, but eventually you're going to get sick of that too and just straight up be like, "Listen, I don't want to hang out every time you come in town. I have other things to do. If that bothers you, I am sorry." Because really what are you out? Like if she gets really mad and doesn't talk to you for like two months, what are you missing there? |
Justin: | Yeah, problem solved. |
Griffin: | I mean she could go like, she could go "Swimfan" on her ass. |
Justin: | Oh shit. That's the last thing you want. I didn't think about that. |
Griffin: | She could start, she could start leaving like. dead small animals in her front seat of her car. Like, it's a, it's a thorny situation, which is, which is why I almost always tell people to pack up and just get. |
Justin: | The thing is, you can't leave a forwarding address 'cause Swimfans will check, track you down. |
Travis: | Why not split the difference, and tell her you're moving away? Tell her you're moving to Nebraska and you will come visit her when you can. |
Griffin: | Yeah, that's the only thing you can do, is retaliate. Don't even move away. Just go and visit her like every other day. And just be a big useless lump whenever you're hanging out. Just don't talk to her. Just say, "I like your presence." |
Justin: | Or go up there and have her decline you, and just be lonely all day and see how she's living. |
Travis: | Yeah. |
Justin: | Because that, then the shoe will be on the other proverbial foot. Deal with that. |
Griffin: | I have a Yahoo Answers question. |
Justin: | Okay. |
Griffin: | It's from Dave1, but it was sent in by TJ Mad. This is my second TJ Mad question of the show. He's a real hero. |
Justin: | Okay. |
Griffin: | Thank you TJ Mad. Dave1 asks, and to really appreciate the comedy of this question, you have to understand that it's in all-caps. |
Justin: | Okay. |
Griffin: | He asks: |
Question #13 (35:29)[]
Griffin: | "WHY DO WE SCREAM………..?" [Justin and Travis laugh] "—or shout loudly when frightened or excited. For example, when on a fast ride or something makes yo jump. What's the purpose of making aloud noise." I mean it's really dumb and poorly worded, but he's got a point. |
Justin: | What are we doing, that we're wasting our throat meat all these years on screaming for no reason? |
Griffin: | Next time you go to Kings Island and you're on the Vortex, just losing your mind. Just, "oh no." Give it one of those, like "oh goddd. it's so faaast." |
Justin: | I used to— I got into a kick— and I think probably everybody goes through this phase, when I would go on roller coasters and you know that they'd take your picture. I— with everybody screaming, I thought, "You know what I'll do, I'll just look super cool." And then, and then everybody'll be screaming, I'll be like, "What's up?" But I found that like, maybe it's because of the gravity or because of like the internal terror, but like, in the end it always looked like seven people having the time of their life, one guy trying not to poop. That's what, that's what the picture always looked like, and so I was like, "I'm just gonna do the screaming thing." And maybe that's why, because it's either scream or look in the picture like you're trying not to poop. |
Griffin: | I always give the, I always give two middle fingers up, point 'em up— |
Justin: | [laughing] What's up? |
Griffin: | —give two middle fingers 'cause it lets people know how edgy I am, and that fucking Kings Island attendant whose job is to sit and look at pictures of people having fun all day, like worst job ever, he sees someone giving the double deuce and he's like, "I'll watch him. I'll keep an eye on him," and that picture loads up, and he gives a little, knowing smile, like "I'm right there with you, dog." |
Travis: | What I do is I flash my boobies— |
Justin: | Oh yeah? |
Travis: | —and it's 'cause I'm whimsical, 'cause I'm fun, and I'm also a little bit sexy. |
Griffin: | Yeah. |
Travis: | You know what I mean? |
Justin: | [laughs] She's a little crazy, a little wild. |
Housekeeping (37:43)[]
Justin: | I want to hear Griffin's last question, but before I do, we have a couple of quick housekeeping things, just reminders basically. First off, as always, thank you, thank you, thank you. You're telling people about the show, you're tweeting about the show. We love to see, to see that. Got to give a shout out to our man, Nick Suttner. He's @nsuttner on Twitter if you want to follow him, but he promotes the show every single week, tells people, "Hey, there's a new one of these out, you should go listen to it." Ditto for @XanderDavisLive. He's another one that was talking about the program. |
Travis: | Also, @charlene519 on Twitter is passing it on to her friends. Someone pass it to her and now she's telling other people about it. Thank you for that. |
Griffin: | Pay it forward. I've always said that. |
Justin: | Pay. It. Forward. |
Travis: | I would also like to thank Kate Nash on our Facebook appreciation group. She posted a picture of her holding the postcard that she's sending to Tristan. Thank you so much for that, Kate. |
Griffin: | Aww. That's so sweet. Everyone— oh, the address for Tristan is on the Facebook group, so if you want to send him a— |
Justin: | He's our favorite Marine. We've seen— gotten a couple— I got a e-mail from him last week. He seems to be doing pretty good. And— |
Griffin: | Thanks to everybody— |
Justin: | Oh! Thanks. |
Griffin: | —who bought t-shirts too. |
Justin: | Oh yeah, those should be going out. From what we've heard, all the preorder shirts are, are out and about in the world. |
Travis: | Do you want to hear confession? |
Justin: | Yeah. |
Travis: | I just ordered my shirt today. |
Justin: | You piece of shit. |
Travis: | What? I assumed they would send me one. My name is on it. |
Justin: | I bought mine. I bought both of mine. So if you want to be like Travis and buy a shirt, you can go to mbmbam.com, click "Buy Stuff". There's a link to two shirts. If you pre-ordered a shirt, it is in the mail. And other orders are being processed as they come. |
Griffin: | I'm seeing a lot of people putting up pics of them wearing the shirt on Twitter. |
Justin: | Yeah, I think we're going to collect all those, put them somewhere either on the site or maybe on the T-shirt site, so keep— what's the best way? Just to email us links or— |
Griffin: | What you should do is just put them on Facebook and then link them in the Facebook group, which we have and I don't think we've talked about in awhile, but we have a Facebook group. If you just s— |
Travis: | It's "My Brother, My Brother and Me Appreciation Group." You gotta search for the whole thing. |
Justin: | And we'll put up a link to it. |
Griffin: | So put your pictures on there, and then we'll grab them from there. And also, you know, it helps spread the word. People are like, "Hey, what's that really fresh, comfortable-looking shirt all about?" |
Justin: | If you don't use FB, you can tweet it. Just always use the #mbmbmam hashtag. |
Griffin: | Just hop on Friendster and— |
Justin: | No, don't do that. |
Griffin: | Just hop— get on the space. |
Justin: | Just get on the space. Oh God. Or e-mail it, if you don't use any of that. Or fax it. We don't have a fax. Aaand that's all the housekeeping stuff. Review us on iTunes, subscribe. |
Griffin: | And if you want to send in a question, all the methods are on our website, mbmbam.com, which is about to get a facelift, I think. |
Justin: | Yeah, we're working on it. |
Travis: | Oh, it's beautiful, too. |
Justin: | In. The. Works. |
Griffin: | Lots of big things. Stay on-board. |
Justin: | Lots of big things for us. And it's all— make no mistake, it's all because of you. |
Travis: | Because of me? |
Justin: | No, not you. |
Travis: | Oh… |
Justin: | If anything, you're hindering the process, Mr. No-T-Shirt-Buying. |
Travis: | I bought one today! |
Justin: | Yeah, you're a big 'un. Here we go, last question from my brother Griffin. |
Griffin: | Actually— |
Justin: | My real brother, I make that distinction because he bought a t-shirt. |
Travis: | I bought one today :( |
Justin: | Oh, oh, and I'm gonna be at PAX, this week. I mentioned it earlier. I'm gonna be at PAX this week: Friday, Saturday, Sunday. If you are there and you have a My Brother, My Brother and Me T-shirt, wear it. If you see somebody wearing a My Brother, My Brother and Me T-shirt, hug them, because they've earned it, unlike some people on this show. |
Griffin: | Namely Travis. I found this question on Yahoo Answers Malaysia. What's up? [Justin and Travis laugh] |
Justin: | International. |
Griffin: | Shobanna on Yahoo Answers Malaysia asks, also in all-caps by the way, |
Final Yahoo (41:59)[]
Griffin: | "HOW CAN YOU MAKE YOUR OWN DILDO at home?" [Justin and Travis laugh] |
Justin: | Oh God, I'm Justin McElroy. |
Travis: | I'm Travis McElroy. |
Griffin: | I'm Griffin McElroy. |
Justin: | And this has been My Brother, My Brother and Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips. |