Transcript[]
Introduction[]
Justin: Hello everybody and welcome to a very special edition of My Brother, My Brother, and Me. My name is Justin McElroy and I’m your oldest brother. Travis: My name is Travis McElroy and I’m your middlest brother. Griffin: I’m your sweet baby brother Griffin McElroy. Boys, the fucking energy is electrifying in the studio today. Travis: Yup. Justin: That’s because we’re all on fire, waiting for our chance to see Kung Fu Panda 3. Uh, America’s favorite panda Po is back, he’s joined by Bryan Cranston as Li, Dustin Hoffm--a galaxy of stars! Griffin: A gal--a whole nebula of beautiful stars, shining up there on the silver screen! I gotta say, Kung Fu Panda 3 Watch, it’s been a while since we’ve had a watch, before, yet. Justin: Mmhm. Griffin: In a while. It’s been a while. Now, here we are again, and I can’t--I have to say, congratulations Kung Fu Panda 3. Travis: Didn’t it come out like a month ago? Justin: No, it’s on right now, we’re all waiting for our chance to see it. Travis: I feel like I’ve been seeing previews for it for like two and a half years. Griffin: Well that’s because they’ve gotta build the heat, they’ve gotta build the buzz, Travis, in Hollywood things are very competitive today in Hollywood. Travis: Griffin, what can you tell me about what you know about the plot of Kung Fu Panda 3? Griffin: Well, following on the heels of Kung Fu Panda 2, the Dragon Shrine has been disgraced, by the… ape colony, and they are… they will have a big fight, and… Lucy Liu is a snake in it, and she… [Travis laughs] Justin: Uh, we seem to have lost Griffin, so exci--so, so fully pumped is the energy. Griffin: I--guys, I just got so excited, this electrifying energy, my throat literally closed up and I couple breathe for like a--a full 30 seconds. Travis: Do you have your Epi-Pen? Your Kung Fu Panda 3 branded Epi-Pen? Griffin: Yeah, just shoots--it shoots like, ramen broth into my veins. Travis: That’s the thing, right, like he--that he is both a kung fu master and a chubster, like is that the whole point of the 3 movies? Justin: Uh, I am so excited about Kung Fu Panda 3, I have yet to watch 1 and 2, but I really feel like 3 is the one that’s gonna get me into this franchise, a lot of people asked me-- Travis: Are you worried that you’ll be lost, Justin? Like when I just saw The Matrix 3? Justin: A lot of people have been asking me, “Justin, is Kung Fu Panda 3 a good entryway to the series?” and as somebody who has not seen Kung Fu Panda 1 or 2 but is very excited about 3-- Griffin: Also has not seen 3 yet ‘cause again, gang, it’s been out for a couple days, we just haven’t--who’s got the time? Justin: Just haven’t made it, but the fire’s electrified. But I--my answer to that question is an unqualified yes. This is the place for new fans and--I feel like a new generation is about to fall in love with Po, that beloved kung fu panda. Travis: I was led to believe that Kung Fu Panda 3 was a bit of a reboot for the series, much grittier, much darker, um, it’s the first one to have an R-rating, the other ones really skirted it with a really hard PG-13. Griffin: Yeah, the “Fu” stands for “fuckin’”. Travis: Yeah, and this is the first one that really like, leans in to the original source material and is like, yeah, full frontal panda nudity. Justin: Mmhm. Griffin: Well, that’s the--that’s always been the whole franchise. Panda don’t wear pants. Travis: Yeah. But this time you actually see his dong. Justin: You can see his dong through the whole thing, I’ve been led to believe. Haven’t caught it yet, but uh, do think-- Travis: Well they’re not gonna show it in the previews, Justin, they’re not gonna give away the cow when you get the dong for free! Justin: Oh my god guys, right now, stop what you’re doing-- Griffin: Okay. Justin: --and find a poster of Kung Fu Panda 3, I’m gonna drop a link for my brothers here in our Skype chat. If you could just look at that poster real quick, and imagine his dong was there, it’s the greatest poster that has ever been or ever will be, I understand this is a visual gag, it’s too important. Griffin: Okay, but no yeah it would be--yeah. Justin: It would be the greatest. Griffin: It’s literally him sitting, he’s got his legs spread, balancing between two pillars as uh, what looks like 6 children look up and like, perfectly were--you know what, you don’t even need to have the dong on this poster! Justin: Yeah, it’s implied! Griffin: There’s 6 children looking up into his--either his dong, or his asshole. Justin: [laughs] Griffin, that is a great-- Travis: They can see--they can see through him. Justin: The children in this poster are looking at his gaping butthole! Travis: They’re baby-birding underneath his gaping butthole, one dude is literally mouth agape at his gaping butthole. Justin: This spiritual sequel to The Human Centipede takes Po in the role of the nutrient-provider, and the baby pandas as those who are gobbling up that sweet, sweet food. Travis: Are you reading this from the IMDB page, Justin? Justin: Yeah, this is from the credits narration, um-- Travis: [laughs] The scroll! Justin: This is the scroll that goes up before the film, I’m just so fuckin’ excited to see this movie! Griffin: I’m so fuckin’ excited to see Kung Fu Panda 3, as soon as I get the opportunity, gang, I went to Hong Kong last year and I saw an actual panda, and you know what I did? I yelled “FUCK YOU!” at it, because it’s not my Po! I said “NOT MY PO!” Justin: I’m most excited about Jackie Chan. Griffin: Absolutely! Travis: Is it live action Jackie Chan? Like Michael Jordan in Space Jam? Griffin: It’s like Cool World, Jackie Chan edition. Travis: But if Jackie Chan dies in Kung Fu Panda 3, does he die in the real world? Griffin: Any world with Jackie Chan in it is a cool world. Justin: It’s like Who Framed Jackie Chan, except nobody can, ‘cause how are you gonna stop him? He’d just chop that frame to bits. [Griffin makes small chopping noises] Chop it to matchsticks. Hey, Travis? Travis: Yes? Justin: Rank them. [Griffin and Justin Laugh] Travis: Good question, Justin. I’m gonna say 1, 2, and 3. Justin: You’re counting. Rank ‘em! Travis: Okay, 2, 3, and 1. Justin: And provide some justification for your rankings. Travis: Okay, well I’m gonna say 2, ‘cause it’s my favorite, and then 3, because it’s my second favorite, and then 1, ‘cause it’s my third favorite. Justin: Ok, perfect, that’s excellent. Griffin, rank ‘em! Griffin: Oh, shit. Uh, Dustin Hoffman… Seth Rogen… Kate Hudson… James Hong. Justin: Oh! Okay fuck/marry/kill Jack Black, Po, Po with Jack Black’s head. Griffin: God. Travis: God! Griffin: Ooh. Well. Travis: I would probably fuck and kill all of them. [Griffin and Justin laugh] Justin: We are just so excited for Kung Fu Panda 3. Griffin: Just so excited, the electricity in the studio is electrifying! Justin: We’re on fire here for this film! Bryan Cranston was in Breaking Bad, and he could’ve done anything. You know what he did? Several things. And then after those, d’you know what he did after those? A couple more. And then, you know what he did? Kung Fu Panda 3! Okay? Travis: I’ve actually--it says on his IMDb page, he ran out of things to do, and started back at the beginning again with Kung Fu Panda 3. Because Bryan Cranston is a flat circle. Griffin: Bryan Cranston wept because there are no more countries to conquer. So he said fuck it, it’s time for me to get up in the panda mix! And so he did it. Rrrr god, I’ve got a fucking raging hard-on for this flick, guys. Travis: Just like Po. Justin: Wait! Griffin: Hey let’s go uh, not to the Money Zone, ‘cause we haven’t earned that, but let’s do some advice! Justin: Okay, sure! Sounds good. Travis: I guess I’ll close this picture of Kung Fu Panda now. Justin: Here’s my first piece of advice: get a ticket today to go see Kung Fu Panda. See it in 3D, see it in 1D, you’ll still enjoy it. Griffin: [laughs] It’s just a line. Justin: It’s just a line. Griffin: It’s just a line of changing color. Justin: And sound, that glorious sound, which is like a 5th dimension, ‘cause you’ll be teleported. Griffin: Jesus, Justin, you’re right! Justin: What? Griffin: Sound is the 5th dimension! Justin: Hey, why are we just now figuring this out? Uh, you’re welcome. Gravity wave, schmavity waves, I say. Go see Kung Fu Panda 3, it’s got gravity in it. Griffin: It’s got gravity, and it’ll take you to the sound dimension! Travis: And it’s got gravitas. Justin: It’s got gravitas, it’s SO important. Travis: SO important. Justin: SO important. Griffin: Ugh, I wish I was--I wish this movie had a smell so I could smell it. Justin: Yeah. Find the right theater? Travis: Or the wrong one. Griffin: Read. A question. Justin: Hey, here’s a--I will read a question, I’m just really excited right now about-- Griffin: I’m sorry, I’m just so fucking excited. Justin: You need a distraction? Is that what it is? Is it the ten solid minutes of talking about Kung F--I’m not sure we’ve gotten to ten solid of expressing our excitement about Kung Fu Panda 3, I’m using new recording equipment, and I can’t tell exactly where it started-- Griffin: No, we’re at 10. Justin: Are we at fully 10-- Griffin: Yeah we’re fully at 10. Justin: Like I don’t wanna tell people--okay lemme say this: Po would never promise to use kung fu on someone and then not do it, in front of an audience-- Griffin: And vice versa. Justin: I don’t wanna promise 10 minutes of unadulterated Kung Fu Panda 3 excitement and then not deliver it in the final recording. Griffin: That’s a great point. Justin: So if there’s anything, Griffin, any stitch of audio you think you might edit out from the previous ten minutes, please, please let me know now-- Griffin: [laughs] The only part that I’ll edit out is where I-- Justin: --so I’ll bloviate more about the adventures of Po and co. Po and co, sequel. Griffin: The only part I’ll probably edit out is where I talked about how this--my excitement for this film had given me a raging hog. [Justin and Travis laugh] Raging Hog is my favorite of the Kung Fu Panda crew, too, he’s like a mean ol’ Mongolian pig-man. Travis: It’s Slippery Snake, Raging Hog… Griffin: ...Hot Cock. [Justin and Travis laugh] Throbbing Cock. Travis: Throbbing Cock. Whistling Clam. Justin: Rabid Weasel. Listen. Hey, listen-- Griffin: Penis--Penis Tom. [Justin and Travis laugh] Justin: This is unexpected, and perhaps a little unprecedented in cinema, but I am so excited about Kung Fu Panda 3, I want a sequel to Kung Fu Panda 3. I don’t want Kung Fu Panda 4-- Travis: You want Kung Fu Panda 3-2. Justin: I want Kung Fu Panda 3-2. Yes. Is that possible? Griffin: Anything’s possible in this crazy weird Hollyweird. Justin: Uh okay, so I answer some questions now, I’m just really--it’s really hard for me to uh-- Griffin: Yup! Well let’s give it a try and we’ll like see how it goes.
Question #1 (10:53)[]
If I offered a coveted ticket to an event for free to someone, how long should I give them to respond? I had someone hem and haw for weeks before giving me a response about going to ComicCon with a free hotel room provided. Another friend waited a week to tell me they couldn't make it to a music festival. -- Irritated Altruist
Justin: So… Griffin: This--this is cra--first of all, ComicCon with a free hotel room is--that’s what, like a G? That’s like one stack? Easily? Travis: Yeah. Griffin: That’s like cra--that’s an enormous thing to give to someone for free. Justin: Yeah, huge gift. Griffin: And for them to not like, shoot from the hip, and be like, “Yes. Yes yes yes yes. A thousand dollars, thank you, yes.” At the very least they could take it and resell it and get that stack. Travis: I feel like you’re still within your rights after like, three days, to just say like, “Hey I need to hear back on this, if you can’t do it, I’ll ask someone else.” Like… Justin: See I almost think it’s worth-- Travis: I think you can grindstone a li’l bit. Justin: It’s worth--if there’s a value on it, I think it’s worth giving them a timetable when you make the offer if there’s any hemming and hawing, just like, “Hey, I need you to let me know in like 3 days, because if not I’m gonna get someone else to go with me.” Um, because I think that at offering it--like offering a timeline later, it feels, like… like I think that you’re… I think it makes you seem desperate, for like, considering the fact that you’re giving someone a gift, like you shouldn’t have to do that, you shouldn’t have to establish a timeline later. Um, they should just be accepting and like, going for it. Travis: And there’s a really--you get to use the sentence, “I really need to figure this out,” which is a really official-sounding sentence, but doesn’t actually like, imply any kind of consequences, it’s not like, “I got--I got Jim breathing down my neck, man, I really gotta finish--figure this out.” So if after like 3 days you can just be like, “Yeah I really need to get this figured out, are you able to go, ‘cause if not, I need to like, figure something else out.” Griffin: You know what, I’m about to toe a pretty hard line on this. You give ‘em 30 fuckin’ seconds. Travis: Oh, whoah. Griffin: This is a one thousand dollar trip I’m offering to take you, my best friend Kyle to. You have 30 fucking seconds to make up your mind. Because it’s a thou--this is a wonderful opportunity, and if you don’t jump on it now-- Travis: Well hold on. Justin: I--here’s--ok. Here--what I tell--when someone asks me if I want to do something, when I say, “Lemme look at my schedule and figure it out,” I’m lying. Almost exc--almost all the time, I’m lying. I think everybody is, right? Griffin: Yeah. Justin: Like if you’re into something, and you’re like, into it right away, you just say yes, and the other things-- Travis: You’ll figure it out. Justin: They’ll figure it out around that. If I say, “Uh, lemme think about it,” or “lemme look at my schedule”, what I’m saying is, “Let me talk to my wife and see if she can help me cook up a pretty good lie for why I can’t go to your thing.” She won’t let me lie but she’ll help me come up with a reason why I can’t. Uh, because I need that sometimes to help sort through these things. Or, my wife will convince me, “Hey, this is something you should probably do, it’d be good for you to do it,” um but either way, like, it means let me talk to my wife about it, I don’t need to check my schedule. Travis: And that’s not necessarily a reflection on you, the question-asker, and whether they want to go with you. Sometimes just committing to something in the future, like gives me such panic attacks of like, “Yeah but what if something happens?” Justin: Oh god. Travis: “But what if like in a month, somebody tells me I need to do blah blah blah”, you know what I mean, like it’s not always like, “Oh I don’t wanna go with Joan,” sometimes it’s like, “Ok like but do I want to commit to something three--like I sat on like, buying concert tickets for like, 20 minutes, just going, “But who knows the future?!” Griffin: I did the opposite. I accidentally bought 17 tickets to Carly Rae Jepsen this coming weekend. Travis: You just kept clicking? Griffin: I just kept doing it over and over again, ‘cause I was like, “What if I lose the first 16?!” Travis: What would you rather have? Would you rather have someone hem and haw for like, two weeks, or have someone say yes immediately, and then like a week before the event, be like “Hey I can’t go”? And now you’re fucked. Justin: Oh. Oh that’s a good point, Travis, because the side effect of them answering too quickly might be that they have to bail, and that’s the worst, right? Travis: Yeah. So I feel like you have to find a balance between those two, of like, “Here’s your timeline so it gives me enough time to ask other people,” because especially if it’s like, “Hey listen it’s 4 months ‘til ComicCon or whatever, I need an answer,” and then--versus like, “Ok well I have 3 days ‘til ComicCon to find someone else to go with,” you know? Justin: I do think-- Griffin: I tell you, if-- Justin: Sorry, go ahead Griff. Griffin: I tell you, if you really want to get good at making these kinds of distinctions, plan a wedding! ‘Cause that is literally just a hundred and fifty times, just like, “Ey, you wanna come get like, fucked up and eat some sick food and dance to some dope tunes, with me, and my newly betrothed?” and then you’ll get like, “Mm, lemme thi--lemme sit on that for a month and a half. Oh, the happiest day of your life? Lemme just sit on that. Oh, yeah yeah yeah, I’ll totally be in there. Yeah, totally.” Five days before the event, “Mm, can’t make it, guess you’ll have to throw that food in the yard! Guess you’ll have to pour that wine down the toilet!” Justin: [laughs] I think the better approach is to not ask people way out in advance, because for me, the likelihood that I’ll accept an offer like this actually grows as it gets close to the event, because then I think it starts to-- Travis: Yeah! Justin: --take on the fun of spontaneity. Griffin: Yeah. Justin: One time, I was going to a murder mystery with a bunch of friends, and I had two friends who uh, had an illness in the family, and they had to bail, like, 24 hours before, and my friend Michael Beck lives in Indiana, and I called that thug the morning of, and I said, “Hey, get in your car, and start driving to Ohio, you’re going to a murder mystery this weekend. And that dude did it, he found an ascot, and that weekend he ended up running from a guy in a werewolf costume. So these things do pan out sometimes. Griffin: Kay, wait what? Justin: Yeah! Travis: Yeah, it was a whole crazy story that we’ll have to tell--it’s the most scared I’ve ever been in my entire life. Justin: It was the scariest thing that’s ever happened. Griffin: Okay no, but I just--I don’t want us to get too deep into it, but I do wanna say like, that’s not a good murder mystery, the werewolf done did it! Travis: The werewolf was a rogue member-- Justin: The werewolf was a rogue actor. Travis: He was not associated with the company putting on the murder mystery. Justin: He was, if you will, a lone wolf. Griffin: [laughs] Yeah, okay. Travis: And he scared me in a gypsy camp, and I ran silently through the woods, I ran into a tree, but he could not find me, I was very proud of myself. Griffin: Uh, you cover your tracks. You put down that tiger pit. Travis: The one last thing I want to say about this-- Justin: I also pretended that a gun I had had magical wolf-killing powers, because once a werewolf shows up, you’re playing Calvinball, like the rules of the murder mystery done fell away. Griffin: [laughs] The best-laid plans of mice and men just go straight down the terlet, when a werewolf rolls up. Um. Do you guys wanna Yahoo? Travis: Yes. Justin: Uh, can I take a quick sidebar? Griffin: Yeah. Justin: It’s not about Kung Fu Panda 3. Travis: Really? Griffin: That’s not true. Justin: Though it is about cinema… The--I would say now, top 3 discussions that we’ve had on My Brother, My Brother, and Me, and we never circle back around to things on this show, it is actually part of the DNA of this program that we never look back-- Griffin: No it is a linear march through time. Justin: It is a linear march. Travis: We had our necks removed. Justin: But I have to say, the conversation that we have gotten, perhaps the most, at least top 3 feedback uh, in the entire history of this show, has been our conversation about Travis’s experience watching Night at the Museum 3-- [Griffin laughs] --with boom mics. Folks, we had like, Freddy Wong, who is an actual person who is making video professionally, create a lie--a fabrication, a lie, to support Travis’ story. There were people creating fake web pages-- Travis: There were people who reshot Malcolm in the Middle scenes to try and justify it. Griffin: Yeah. Yeah. Travis: Frankie Muniz came out of retirement to shoot Malcolm in the Middle scenes. Griffin: I don’t know who the fuck thes--like, who’s leading this gl--worldwide illuminati conspiracy just to troll me and Justin? And the-- Travis: And the craziest thing is everybody’s been saying like, “Travis you’ve been vindicated”. I also thought I was making it up. I also believed it was a fever dream brought on by Ben Stiller’s amazing performance in Night at the Museum. Justin: In case you didn’t listen last week, Travis saw Night at the Museum 3, and can swear that the film was framed in such a way that he was seeing like, boom mics and stuff through the entire picture. Travis: Well, let’s not rewrite history, it was Night at the Museum 1. I have never, nor will ever, see Night at the Museum 3. Griffin: They know what they did! [Justin laughs] Lemme just say this, ‘cause the thing we’ve heard is there’s a thing called--according to this fucking worldwide conspiracy thing, called open matting, where the fucking projectionists are apparently supposed to put up the letter box around it? And if they don’t put it up right, you see the wires and shit. That’s--do you-- Justin: That’s the joke we said on the thing-- Griffin: If that’s true, that’s the most ridiculous thing ever, this--that people would film this shit and be like, “Uhh, camera man, are you sure, because there’s like--” Travis: “Yeah, some 18-year-old drunk kid will take care of it.” Griffin: “Yeah, don’t worry guys, we got it 90 yards down the field, drunk Brian, drunk 16-year-old Brian’s gonna get it the rest of the way. He’s gonna run it into the endzone.” [Justin laughs] Travis: “While he’s playing with his nunchucks.” Griffin: “We put 6 trillion dollars into the making of Avatar, ha ha I think Brian’s got it!” Justin: [laughs] Do you think that if we saw Avatar like this, that the bottom of the screen you just see like, James Cameron’s legs, as he’s moving puppets around and shit? Griffin: You would see the Na’vis like, uh, like bottom of their torsos and it’s just not painted blue, it’s just like a regular fleshy torso, and like a regular non-blue genitals-- Justin: [laughs] You see the hand-- Griffin: “I’m not even wearing--I’m not even wearing my Na’vi pants down here, guys, let’s loosen up, casual Friday, Brian’s got it!” Justin: [laughs] You see the hand up Yoda’s ass, like making him talk, like, this is the worst Star Wars I’ve ever seen. Griffin: And you see the puppeteer’s other hand, like, making a fake jerk-off motion on the Yoda puppet, like, “Ahhh! Get it? Don’t worry, Brian’ll get this!” What the fuck! [Justin laughs] Hollyweird! Do you think if we open mat Kung Fu Panda 3, we’ll see like, Jack Black underneath Po, like, “Huhu, doing my lines down here!” Justin: Just writing Tenacious D lyrics. Griffin: Yeah. Ah, fuck! Justin: So, Travis was lying. Please, please, please, please-- Travis: Yep. You’re embarrassing yourselves. Griffin: God, you’re embarrassing yourselves. And stop sending us these Malcolm in the Middle screencaps. I mean I love good Malcolm in the Middle jokes as much as anybody, but fuck. Justin: [laughs] I’ll take as many glossy jpegs of Malcolm in the Middle as you have. Travis: You can just zip those right over to my inbox. Justin: Yeah just zip drive those up, put ‘em on a jazzy drive, and just flip those over to me, please. Griffin: [laughs] I will say, there was one of these that showed Dewey’s stand-in, and it’s the most mental thing I’ve ever seen, this weird Dewey homunculus standing next to Frankie Muniz, holy shit! Justin: Yeah, it’s as though someone was-- Travis: What was the kid who played Dewey doing that he couldn’t be in that shot? Griffin: Why was--how was he that busy?! Justin: Yeah. Travis: “Is it on me? No? Then I’ll be in my fucking trailer! Get Dennis out here!” Justin: “And listen, if you guys get the matting wrong, I’ll fucking kill you. I have it in my contract.” Travis: “I’m Dewey, damn it!” Justin: It’s as though someone is filming Malcolm in the Middle, and behind them someone is sweeting [ph] Malcolm in the Middle, like they’re creating their own Malcolm in the Middle fan-film directly in the same shot. Griffin: This Yahoo was sent in by--this one was sent in by Morgan Davy, thank you Morgan, it’s by Yahoo Answers user Wade, who asks:
Question #2 (23:04) Y[]
"Can anyone recommend any good weightlifting music?
I'm making a playlist of workout songs for my high school weight room and I need some great heavy metal songs with great pump up riffs and heavy drums. Nothing from the eighties please. Late 90s to modern day please. Youtube links would be appreciated.
NO RAP/POP/HIP-HOP/TECHNO!!!"
Travis: Nothing from the eighties? Go fuck yourself! Griffin: Yeah, I mean there’s a lot of restrictions on here that this person can go fuck themselves about. Travis: Does Weird Al fit into this? Griffin: Now, explain? Travis: I think that it would make really good pump-up jams. Griffin: Mmkay. I respectfully disagree. Travis: Fair enough. What about--when were The Scorpions? Griffin: They’re actually--they’re modern day. Justin: They’re describing like, ones--it’s like they want you to back into one song, like they have one song in mind. Griffin: Yeah no, this is--“across my weightlifting bridge, you must answer this riddle!” How ‘bout this, if you’re trying to get sick gains, then might I recommend Chris Gaines? [Justin laughs] Travis: The heaviest of metals. Griffin: Fuck heavy metal, no let’s put that restriction in the garbage, ‘cause if that’s the case, then we’re not gonna get anywhere. We know how how to get this person sick gains better than anybody, and that is to listen to the sweat-pumpin’, muscle-grindin’, rock riffs of Chris Gaines. Travis: That was the whole point of Chris Gaines, right? ‘Cause Garth Brooks said, “Ok well I can’t--I can’t do the heavy rock that I want to, so he Stefon or Kell’d [ph] himself-- Griffin: Right. Travis: --and made Chris Gaines, so Chris Gaines could do the rock anthems that he had been dreaming of. Justin: The greatest regret of my life is that this program was not in production while the Chris Gaines saga was unfolding. Griffin: Oh Jesus! Justin: My dream actually, I was our MaxFun bonus episode to be a alternate reality episode released the week that Chris Gaines-- [Griffin laughs] --is on SNL, and Behind the Music, and like, while it’s happening-- Travis: Can you imagine being in-- Justin: --‘cause I, like, I’m so sad that I was not talk--do you know that this fool said Chris Gaines was from Australia?! Like-- Travis: Can you imagine being in like, his management entourage group, when fucking G-Brooks is like, “Guys I’ve got it--” Griffin: “Guys guys guys, I’ve got this sick idea.” Justin: He said he’s from Australia! [Travis and Griffin laugh] Like, first off, like, th--you’re not only locking yourself into like, making this alter-ego, if you do a--an interview, you have to--like, Garth Brooks is like, “Aw, fuck, they have--they talk different, don’t they? Shit! Ok, hold on, gimme a second, lemme try to cook--‘shrimp on da berbie’!” like Garth, no! Griffin: “‘Ello there, it’s me, Chris Gaines! Hoo-hoo!” Justin: No way, Garth Brooks! Griffin: Um. Can I pivot a little bit? Why do people work out? Why do people get those sick gains, to get those fucking glistening fish lifters? Travis: To impress people ‘cause they want-- Justin: I’m only calling them ‘Chris gains’ from now on, by the way. All I want in the gym is Chris gains. Griffin: Okay. Travis: Is it to impress people that they would like to engage in sexual congress with? Griffin: That’s probably part of it, right? Um, but there’s a lot of different ways that you can do that. I think, for the most part, it is intimidation, right? You make yourself bigger to scare--I mean, this is basically wilderness shit, you make yourself big-- Travis: Oh yeah. Griffin: --to scare off a predator. So you wanna make yourself big so you can intimidate people and get like, fucking power plays all over the place. If that’s the case, I think you carry that whole aesthetic over to the gym while you’re trying to get Chris gains. Travis: Mmhm. Griffin: Um, to that extent, why not just put on a song on a big speaker that’s just gonna sorta freak everybody out? And while you’re gettin’ your gains, and sorta attract attention to yourself, and you are enjoying it, and getting Chris gains um, to a song that--it--maybe people don’t understand, or maybe they’re scared of that. Travis: Or maybe just Say Anything the whole thing, and you’re just lifting the speaker over your head, and that’s how you’re doing your curls, you’re getting your Chris gains by blasting Chris Gaines over your head and just screaming. Griffin: Well no no no, Chris Gaines is too obvious a choice, I’m saying like, we keep it weird, I’m saying what about the--like you’re doing some deadlifts to the theme song to the cartoon show Bobby’s World? [Justin laughs] Travis: Mmhm. Okay. Griffin: So you’re like crunching it and you’ve got like a lot of--crunching some bars, and it’s just like [plays Bobby’s world theme song in background]“Aw, fuck yeah! Augh! Oh, yeah! Some big gains today, boys, huh?” Travis: Now Griffin, it also sounds like a guy masturbating to Bobby’s World theme-- Griffin: “Yeah! It can be both!” [Travis laughs] “Yeaaaah I would 61!” [Bobby’s World theme song ends] Justin: It is kind of a--I mean I will say this, it’s kinda a horrifying theme song, like it’s kinda really scary. [Griffin plays Bobby's World theme song again] Travis: Out of context, it’s very like, Tim Burton clown nightmare. [Bobby's World theme song ends] Justin: Yeah, if you slowed that down like a half beat, like I think you would have something very, very terrifying. Griffin: Put it in like, a minor key. Justin: Put that on a minor key? Griffin: And then you just hit the fucking Everyday Fitness and get some fucking fishlifters. Travis: What if you just played books-on-tape over the sound system? [Griffin laughs] Justin: What book? What book? What book what book? Griffin: What book? This is good, this is Travis to really stick-- Travis: Eat Pray Love. Griffin: [laughs] Okay yeah. Justin: Eat Pray Lift, like that’s the-- Travis: Eat Pray Lift. [Justin laughs] Griffin: Dear God. [mouth smacking noises] “Please let me get gains today. Augh, thank you!” Will you please, I’ve told you this before, don’t pray with your mouth full. [Travis laughs] Griffin: It’s rude to me. It’s rude to God. You wanna go to the Money Zone? Travis: Yes! Justin: Hell yeah.
Money Zone (28:48)[]
Justin: You wanna see a great website, maybe the best one ever, go to McElroyShows.com, and you’re gonna see a--a modern work of like, art, I guess art, maybe t--is it--yeah, art? Travis: It’s art, and science, and culture-- Griffin: And commercialism! And capitalism! And like, big business, and fuck boys, we sold out! Justin: We did it! Travis, how hard was it to make a site with SquareSpace? Travis: Honestly Justin, and I’m not just saying this because they are our sponsors this week, it was the easiest fucking thing in the world, and not just easy to do, but easy to make look really nice ‘cause they had amazing templates, and it was--a lot of it was just like, “Okay I’m gonna type in this thing”, and then they took that information and turned it into a really polished, sharp-looking website. We’ve got a website that--I can’t recommend it enough, how much I loved working with SquareSpace, and how many compliments I’ve gotten on it. Justin: Yeah it looks pretty pro and it’s not that hard to do. You can start your free trial today, visit SquareSpace.com/MyBrother. You should! SquareSpace. Griffin: I wanna talk about MeUndies, [singsonging] wearin’ ‘em right now. I’ve got those lounge pants, it is like a blanket that-- Travis: Did you get those uh, Keith Haring Valentine’s Day designs? Griffin: Of course I got those Keith Haring Valentine’s Day design. I wore ‘em, I felt s--can I just say something? And this may turn some people off? I felt sexy all day. I felt-- Travis: I’m more worried it may turn some people on. Griffin: I’m not worried about that at all, I felt grown sexy. Travis: You’re a grown boy. Griffin: I felt terrific like a grown, sexy lad! Like Po in Kung Fu Panda 2, when he finally-- Travis: Except with your dong covered. Griffin: Yes, please. Justin: Nothing can describe the fit and feel of MeUndies. Uh, they are dedicated to providing the world’s most comfortable underwear, and you have to experience them for yourself. Every single week we hear from listeners who finally took the plunge and got the MeUndies, and they’re never going back! Griffin: When I wear non-MeUndies, I feel like a criminal. Justin: [laughs] That should go to jail. Griffin: I feel like I should go to jail, I feel like I’ve been a, like, a bad lad. Justin: Shipping is free in the US and Canada and you can save up to 8 dollars per pair with a MeUndies subscription plan. You can get the subscription or a single pair, you get 20% off your first order when you go to MeUndies.com/MyBrother, that’s MeUndies.com/MyBrother for 20% off your first order. Travis: Men, women, everybody, matching underpants, go do it. Griffin: Go get it! Justin: Go get it! Travis: We also have uh, we have another message here, um-- Griffin: How can people get messages on our show, Travie? Travis: Oh you can go to MaximumFun.org/Jumbotron, Griffin. That’s a great question, thank you. Can I tell you about PhotoJojo? Griffin: I wish you would. Justin: Oh, yes! I love PhotoJojo. Griffin: The bad guy from fuckin’ Powerpuff Girls? Travis: No, that’s his brother. Griffin: Oh, okay. Travis: PhotoJojo has photography gear for everyone! Because everyone has a camera in their pocket these days. From nifty little lenses that attach to your phone, to the latest instant camera from Polaroid--yup, they still make ‘em--to cute camera straps and backup phone batteries, go check out all this great stuff at PhotoJojo.com, that’s Photo, like the word “photo”, jojo J-O-J-O, dot com, use the coupon code “middlest” to save 5 buckarinos. Plus, it took a lot to convince my coworkers that this ad would be money well-spent, show them I’m right, MBMBaM-binos. Justin: The cutest thing they got is the--they have an uh, sort of a battery that plugs into your phone to charge it up, and it’s called “apple juice”, and it looks like a little container of apple juice, it’s fuckin’ adorable. I think we--Theresa got that, right? Griffin: Yes. Justin: But PhotoJojo has some cool stuff, uh, Theresa got the apple juice. There’s really like, super cute stuff, really neat, accessories and like, if you want to take better photos with your uh, phone, which is still--you can do that, by the way, that’s wild--and not just phone stuff, they have camera equipment too. Uh, PhotoJojo.com, coupon code “middlest”. Griffin: Can I tell a quick little vignette? Justin: Yeah? Griffin: Um, I was at a wedding this past weekend in New Orleans, and it was cute, they had uh, the guestbook, and then right next to the guestbook they one of these like, instant Polaroid cameras that take like, the little pictures. Little guys. Um, and then they had a little--another book that you would just like, slide those into and like, write your names right next to your picture, your little Polaroid selfie. Um, but we were like an hour into the wedding and we realized nobody has used it yet? And so me and Rachel were like, well the people who planned this wedding probably like, wanted people to do this, so like, let’s just like, get it started so people would feel more comfortable. And then we did it, we took a picture of ourselves and put it in the book, and you know, signed it, and then uh, like a half hour went by, and I started to get legitimately worried that we would be the only people to do it, and then our, like, wedding present to them would be like, “Here’s a book with a picture of us, only, in it. Happy wedding! It’s the Griffin and Rachel book, for us at your wedding! It’s us, though. It is us, though. It’s your wedding, your special day, but it’s our fuckin’ book.” [Justin laughs] Travis: Did you think about just filling it with pictures of you and Rachel? Griffin: Did think about that. Which would be another fun gift for anybody. Justin: [laughs] Anybody would love that. I got a message for Thomas, from Sierra, Madden, Puppy, and Peggy. It says “Happy birthday, I wrote you a haiku.” [clears throat] Here we go. “My Dungeon Master. You are the Tom to my Gronk. Mandy Patinkin.” [Griffin laughs] I feel like at the end they just needed--they were maybe short on this-- Travis: No, Justin, everyone knows in a haiku, you have to either have a reference to like, spring, nature, weather, or Mandy Patinkin. Griffin: You’re talking about kigo? Travis: Mmhm. Griffin: Of course. Travis: Yeah, I guess I am, Griffin. But aren’t we all? Griffin: The traditional kigo are, you know, they’re relating to the current season, so something like leaves, flowers, renewal, sunshine. Mandy Patinkin. Travis: Mandy Patinkin. Griffin: Because fuckin’ Homeland’s about to start up again. Shwew. Justin: People still on that tip, huh? Travis: He--he is just--get one of his albums, uh, singing Broadway showtunes. Justin: Oh, Kidults? Don’t mind if I do buy a copy of Kidults right now on Amazon, ‘cause I can’t find mine. Probably because I gave it to a dear friend. [laughs] Uh, and another exciting announcement-- Griffin: I committed--I committed kidultery, unfortunately. And so my marriage is falling apart. [Travis laughs] Justin: Everybody who uh, has a question read or a message on today’s show will receive a, uh, a free ticket to go see Kung Fu Panda 3. Uh, just email me, Griffin: [laughs] God. Justin: --and I’ll make sure you get--I’m not fucking with you, I will make sure you get enough Fandango cash to go see Kung Fu Panda 3. If you use it for anything else, I’ll fucking know. I won’t have you wasting a ticket. Griffin: Wait, how do you-- Travis: Only if you had a question read on the show, not if you just emailed Justin. Justin: No, if you had a question read on the show, or one of those messages is from you, then please let me know and I’ll make sure you get your ticket to Kung Fu Panda 3, and you gotta go fucking see it if I’m gonna do the thing. [Griffin laughs] I wanna see a ticket stub. You gotta send me a picture of your ticket. Travis: We want to see pictures of you at the movie theater-- Justin: I will end you. Travis: --holding the ticket stub--torn ticket stub! Justin: I will--if you go fucking see Deadpool, I’ll spend all my days trying to burn--I will salt the earth, I will call your place of employment and say horrible lies. Travis: Justin will become a wanderer. Justin: Dark lies. Griffin: Don’t think that you’re gonna like, outthink Justin and say like, “Oh, I can think of a funnier thing to do with this Fandang--no. Justin: No. You can’t. Griffin: There is nothing funnier you can do than go see Kung Fu Panda 3, and then let Justin know what you thought of it. Travis: This is an important question, Justin-- Justin: It’s got an 81-- Travis: --will you be paying enough for them to see it in 3D IMAX, or just for your basic 2D version? Griffin: Oo, good question. Justin: Just a basic--I’m not made of money, it’s a basic 2D version, this film is certified fresh 81%, please stop fucking around and go see Kung Fu Panda 3 in theaters now! Travis: We are not in any way paid to do this. I cannot make this clear enough. This is not native marketing, or whatever the fuck it’s called, we’re just fans. Justin: We’re just fans of Kung Fu Panda 3 despite never having seen one of the films. Griffin: I’ve seen the first. Travis: I have seen, I think, an episode of the TV show. Justin: Is that Jack Black or is it a Jack Black-alike? Travis: I think it’s probably just like, his brother, Jack Brown. Justin: [laughs] You idiot!
Question #3 (37:41)[]
I'm a fashion student. I love clothes and putting together outfits. But, like you say, a ship in harbor is safe, and sometimes I mess the heck up, and if this happens NBD, I'll go change, but my friends and fam now make fun of me for times when they've seen me in two or three outfits in a day. I paint, sew, and go out pretty often, so it's not just from sartorial floop-ups. My question is, how are people not doing this? Are some people just okay being uncomfortably socially or physically with their outfits? Do I have a problem? -- Not Currently In The Nude In The North XX
Travis: So this person will often change clothes multiple times throughout the day. Justin: Oh, okay! Got it. Um. No. I mean…. No. I have like, a uniform, basically. I have jeans-- Griffin: You realize we’re 3 Dougs? Justin: Like, we’re basically 3 Dougs. Travis: I got some t-shirts, I got some jeans, I got some cowboy boots. And that’s my--that’s what I call my Travis. With--that’s all the accessories that come with a Travis doll. Justin: I have never worn khaki pants where I did not first have the thought, “Where the fuck are my khaki pants?” Like, that’s every time. Travis: [laughs] They were not at the ready. Justin: Yeah, they--I do not have them like, ready to go. Griffin: At this wedding I went to last weekend, I brought my wedding wear, and then I found out there was a cocktail party the night before, and it was like, “Yeah you should wear something nice for that,” and I was like, “Well, that’s going to be a problem!” Because I have Wedding Griffin, and that’s just it. I don’t have a Cocktail Party Griffin style. Travis: I--Theresa was telling me, her father has, every day that she’s known him, um, when he gets home from work, he immediately like, walks in the door, and the first thing he does is changes every stitch of clothing to like, his homewear. And I love this idea--like, socks. Everything. And it’s all-- Griffin: He’s doing it in the Japanese style, then. Travis: Yeah, he’s like, sloughing off work in a very physical, real way that I think is a pretty cool move. I don’t get that move, because I’m at home in pajama pants all day, so I can’t be like, “Ooh, another tough one! Oh, the ol’ rat race, time to put on some comfier clothes!” But he changes-- Justin: I wish I had the dedication to do that. Griffin: Yeah. Justin: I wish--I wish that I did have--we’ve talked about this, I mean literally last week, I wish I had the dedication to wear something like, more stern and restrictive, to--just to have that freedom at the end of the day. Travis: You put on a tie every day. It’s important to note, I wanna make it clear, that when I talk about my father-in-law, he’s not like, changing into pajamas. He gets home, he changes into other regular clothes that you could then go back out into the world in, and then changes again for bed. So he’s like, got work outfit, home outfit, sleep outfit. I think that’s pretty cool. Griffin: And his casual yukata. A kimono, worn in the casual times. I don’t want to part the kimono, but that’s what Travis’ dad-in-law wears. Travis: Kimono. Justin: Griffin, you have another Yahoo for us? Griffin: Yes. How ‘bout this one, it was sent in by Level 9000 YaDrew Druid Drew Davenport, thank you Drew Davenport, the Po of humans. Big, imposing, kind, loving, excellent at kung fu. Justin: Dick out. Griffin: Dick always out. Travis: Twenty four sev. Griffin: 24/7 dick out bonanza, I’m not gonna tell him how to do his thing though, ‘cause obviously he’s--he knows what’s up. Um, thank you Drew Davenport, it’s by, uh, Yahoo Answers user stefy, who asks: “
Question #4 (40:45) Y[]
"Please i need to know how to start with popeye the sailor man eulogy for muy speech class?
Please i need the speech for this monday"
Travis: ...What? Griffin: Please, Travis! I need to know how to start with Popeye the sailor man eulogy for my speech class. Travis: What? Justin: Okay, wait, wait wait wait, wai wai wai wai wai wai wai wai… There’s a very important distinction here. Griffin: [moans] Please. Travis: Are you giving a eulogy for Popeye the sailor man, or as Popeye the sailor man? Griffin: Guys, as hysterical as I think we could make the latter, uh, with all of us doing our Popeye impressions and what have you, I think-- Travis: [does Popeye impression] A gug gug gug gug. Griffin: --I think we should focus on the former, just my dude… my dude Popeye. Travis: Ok, what has killed-- Griffin: “This motherfucker here--[crying inhales]” That’s what we’re doing. Travis: “He got me clean!” Griffin: “He got me clean right now, Popeye the sponsor man.” Travis: “I love him like a brother!” Justin: “And I never told him.” Griffin: “He was my real brother. My name is--” Travis: “He was my real--I’m Steven the sailor man.” Griffin: “I’m Church’s.” Justin: …“The sailor man.” [Travis laughs] Griffin: “The sailor man.” Travis: Ugh, god. “If our father, Pappy the sailor man were here today… but of course, they haven’t spoken in 36 years.” Griffin: “And now it’s too late. Dammit, Popeye.” Travis: “Now it’s too late! The living years.” Griffin: “Dammit Popeye! This is--” Travis: “Damn you!” Griffin: “This is how you do me?” Travis: “You leave me like this, you son-of-a-bitch?” [Justin laughs] Griffin: I mean, we know his cause of death, right? Bluto, who is like-- Travis: Bluto. Griffin: Bluto’s fuckin’ huge, just killed him finally! Travis: Do you think Bluto’s there? Do you think he had the fucking sheer balls-- Griffin: “I’m sorry, Popeye. I didn’t--” Travis: “Didn’t mean to!” Griffin: “Didn’t mean to, we were just doin’ our usual punch routine! I punched ya and you went through the roof, only this time ya hemorrhaged.” [Justin laughs] Travis: Uh, “I hit you through a horse, and then you got one of them big swellin’ lumps on top of your head, and the horseshoe swung around it, but then ya didn’t get up again!” Griffin: “I punched ya ‘til your brain stopped working, then I tried to pour the spi-nach down yer mouth and ya choked on ‘em!” Travis: “And the spittoon done fell on yer head!” Griffin: “Nooo!” Justin: [laughs] Can you imagine anything funnier than seeing Bluto just like, forcing the jaw of Popeye’s corpse up and down, trying to have him masticate-- Travis: [sings Popeye’s spinach jingle tune] [Justin and Griffin laugh] Griffin: “Here I come Bluto, I’m gonna getcha real good!” Justin: [laughs] Everybody comes-- Travis: He’s strong to the finish! Griffin: “Olive Oyl, ya gotta help me get the spi-nach down his throat!” Travis: “I love him!” Justin: [laughs] Everybody comes around and Bluto like, lifts him up and puts his arm around him, like, “I know he’s fine, listen!” “I’m Popeye the sailor man!” [laughs] Why are you moving his mouth, Bluto? That’s--that’s terrible. Travis: “Don’t touch him!” Justin: And Wimpy like, shows up at like--five minutes late, and he’s like, “Hey good news everybody, I found a hamburger,” and they’re like-- Griffin: “Wimpy, not now!” He realized what happened and he was like “Oh, I wasn’t here, I can’t go back!” Travis: [laughs] “I can’t take this heat!” Griffin: “I got people waiting for me on the inside!” [Justin and Travis laugh] Uh… Uh… What if that wasn’t his cause of death, what if he just ate some spinach and he was like, “Time to get real--wait, my arm won’t stop growing--oh shit!” and he just like exp--like, Akira, just explodes. Travis: Oh! Griffin: His body gets too-- Travis: His doctor warned him. Griffin: --diesel, and then soon he just starts rapidly expanding, until he completely consumes Neo-Tokyo! Travis: Let me paint you a picture. He goes in for his yearly checkup physical, and the doctor’s like, “Popeye. I--I can’t say it enough, I won’t tell you again. You have to knock it off with the spinach. Your body is 92% spinach at this point, I don’t know how much more of this you can take. If you change again, you might never come back.” And Popeye’s like, “Okay,” but then one day he sees an injustice, and he goes for that spinach, and he’s like, “I can’t. I can’t,” but the city cries out, “Popeye! Popeye!” And he does it, knowing it’s the end, and he goes out a hero just like he always dreamed. Griffin: Ok. That wasn’t so much, um, funny as much as it was pretty good fanfiction. Justin: [laughs] I mean it’s pretty good-- Travis: I’m trying to pitch that, if anyone’s listening, if you’ve got--it will be a multimillion dollar production, I’m thinking it’ll be like, a Pixar-level, um-- Griffin: Oh see I was--I was thinking like, a Christopher Nolan Batman flick, where, uh, Bluto--is it Bluto? Travis: Yeah. Justin: Yeah. Griffin: --would be like Bane. Justin: Pluto is Mickey’s dog. Travis: Well this would be the first dark Pixar movie. I’m thinking like, a Pixar cartoon with like, a hard PG-13, so if anyone’s looking to invest, um, I’ve got a Kickstarter going, for a million dollars you can get a producer’s credit, for two million dollars you can come to the animation studtio--it does start at a million dollars. Griffin: [laughs] Okay. Justin: For 13.95 you can go see Kung Fu Panda 3, just like, save your fuckin’ time, ‘cause no movie--you’ll never want to see another movie after that.
Housekeeping (46:25)[]
Justin: Hey, folks, that’s gonna do it for us, uh, wanna say two things. First off, thank you again to MeUndies who are dedicated to providing the world’s most comfortable underwear. Go to MeUndies.com/MyBrother for free shipping and 20% off your first order. Uh, also wanna say a huge congratulations to our friend, uh, Lin-Manuel Miranda for his, uh--his entire cast, and also The Roots, for their uh, Grammy win and Grammy performance last night, uh-- Griffin: It was so fucking good. And Lin-- Travis: It was so. Fucking. Amazing. Griffin: Lin, thank you for probably accidentally kicking off like, a full-blown illuminati deep dive into your, like, your whole life history, by the--you know, by the people who are desperately looking into the Freemasons and like, the triangles and all that shit, with your secret My Brother, My Brother, and Me gesture. And you--I don’t wanna--prying eyes! Justin: If you know it, you know it. Griffin: If you know it, you know it! If you don’t know it-- Justin: Join our Facebook group. Griffin: --join our fucking Facebook group. Travis: We mentioned the website halfway through the episode, but I wanna mention it again. Go to McElroyShows.com and you can find all of the projects we work on, audio and video, um, you can find links to all the Twitter accounts, the Facebook groups, um, the contact info if you’re looking for like, the P.O. boxes or places to send um, Adventure Zone item submissions or My Brother, My Brother, and Me questions and Yahoos. Um, you can also find our now defunct retired shows. Um, I also wanna say, I’m launching a new podcast pretty soon because I get bored and-- Griffin: Yeah, Jesus. Travis: --generate new podcasts constantly. What? Justin: It’s too many. Griffin: It’s a lot of podcasts, Travie! Travis: Well, I get bored--it’s all I’ve got, and I love it very very much. But this one’s called Interrobang with Travis and Tybee, you can find it on McElroyShows.com, we got a promo up now so you can hear it and subscribe on iTunes and all that. Justin: I’m actually really happy about this because it makes it even on the website. Travis: Yeah! Justin: Now there are 3 columns of 6, that makes me really happy. Travis: Um, we’re also really excited because this is the week that we’re moving Trends Like These over onto MaxFun, so if you haven’t checked out Trends Like These yet, go check that out, um, go check out Still Buffering on MaxFun-- Justin: Yep. They just did--oh my god, the new episode of Still Buffering, which is about my wife Sydnee and her sister Rileigh who’s 15, and them like, uh, explaining teen life then and today, there is a tw--a segment on today’s show, an extended segment of the new episode about, uh, Instagram, and her explaining Instagram and Snapchat, that was like-- Griffin: Oh, I know everything there is to know about those two platforms. Justin: Well, you don’t. Trust me, I thought I did. It is the most captivating listen of 2016, as far as I’m concerned, I was losing my mind, it’s fascinating. Travis: Go check out Rosebuddies, that Griffin does with Rachel. Griffin: Thank you! Travis: Um, I have never--well, I tried to watch an episode of the Bachelor and made it about 20 minutes in, but I have never been a fan of the Bachelor, but I fucking love Rosebuddies. It’s become my new favorite show. Griffin: Thank you, Travie. Travis: Um, and then also go check out Schmanners, that my wife and I do, we put out a Valentine’s Day special that was all about like, the history and uh, customs of Valentine’s Day as well as another normal episode last week, all about being a houseguest and hosting a houseguest, so go check that out. Um, and then check out all the other amazing Maximum Fun shows! There’s a ton on there. Justin: Thanks to John Roderick and The Long Winter for the use of their theme song (It’s a) Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Griffin: Yeah! It’s a great album, you can find it on--you can get it on vinyl! Justin: Sure! Griffin: Get it on wax. On Amazon. Justin: Get it anywhere you want! And-- Griffin: Ummm. Sorry, Jus? Justin: Nothin’! Did you have something else? Griffin: Naw. Just, I love you. Justin: I love you guys too. Um. Travis: I love you too--I love everybody. Griffin: Do you guys realize that by the time we record this next episode, I will have seen Carly Rae Jepsen in concert? Justin: Yeah. Griffin: And I will literally just be--I’m already Bliss Delight, a floating, like, piece of light consciousness just exploring the spiral galaxy, um, and I’m just going to stop by the ACL taping of Carly Rae Jepsen, and I don’t know what the next fucking level of consciousness is above that, but I’m really-- Travis: Mmhm. You just wake up and you are Carly Rae Jepsen. Like, uh, Being John Malkovich. Griffin: Oo! That’ll be fun! Travis: Yeah. Justin: Um. Travis: It is. It’s pretty great. Justin: I, uh, if I could say-- Travis: I’ve been Carly Rae Jepsen for years. Justin: If I could say, uh, one sorta personal, more serious thing before we close. Um, and this isn’t the sort of thing we normally talk about on the show, and I didn’t run this before--past you guys before, but, um. Sometimes, we all have like, struggles, and I know that our listeners have expressed to us how uh, our show has helped them, and, um. I know that for like, future generations, everybody’s gonna have, you know, things that they’re going through. Griffin: Mm. It’s true. Justin: And I don’t mean to be oblique, but I don’t know your struggles, um, but I want to make sure that when, um, my daughter comes of age, and she is--and her daughter, and her daughter after her comes of age, and they have--she has struggles with issues, struggles in life, I wanna make sure… I wanna make sure there’s a new Kung Fu Panda movie. For her. Everytime. Griffin: Yeah, sure. Travis: Every generation needs a Kung Fu Panda. Justin: Every generation needs its Kung Fu Panda movies, and I feel like if we could all just go see Kung Fu Panda 3 this weekend-- Griffin: Yeah. Justin: --we could really guarantee that continues to be-- Griffin: Hey, why-- Travis: Do you want to be the last link in the chain? Justin: I don’t want to be the last link like, in the Kung Fu Panda chain. Griffin: And hey, why wait ‘til the weekend, is what I’m sayin’? Justin: Yeah, just go see it. Griffin: It’s Tuesday now. Travis: It’s ideal--the ideal time to see any movie, everyone knows this, is 11:30 in the morning on like, a Thursday. Griffin: Yep. Justin: Mmhm. Griffin: Um, guys, I--I know we don’t usually get serious on the show, but I have something I’d like to talk about really quick here at the end. Travis: Uh-huh? Griffin: And that is… There’s a lot of… The reason I love this podcast and the community we’ve sort of surrounded ourselves with is that I feel like--there’s a lot of sort of bad stuff happening in the world today. And it’s so easy to like, consume the media that you consume, and just sorta be, you know, distracted by the noise of it all, right? And just sorta turn a blind eye to all the injustices that are happening in the world today. Um, and that’s fine, like, you know, I’m glad that we can provide sort of a safe place for people, but I think that we need to sort of confront some of these things head-on, and I would recommend, um, starting with joining my boycott of The Village Voice for their fuckin’ slanderous review of Kung Fu Panda 3. Written by, uh, Alan Schurstuhl. Um-- Travis: Get that negativity out, Alan. Griffin: Yeah, Alan, like, we get it, like, you’re too cool for Kung Fu 3. We get it, you’re too cool for Po. Travis: It’s ok to unironically love stuff, Alan. Griffin: Yeah, and so anyway, um, never buy another issue, never again, write ‘em a letter that just says, “Never again, Alan! You know what you did,” and then a paw print. A panda paw print. And then say, “This one’s for my pandas.” Travis: Now, um, we don’t usually get… Griffin: We don’t get--no, we don’t. Travis: We don’t usually get serious on the show, but can I just say real quick? Um, I have killed before. Griffin: Okay. Travis: And the only thing that stops me from killing again is knowing there’s a new Kung Fu Panda movie out, and if--if society were to, for some reason, take that away from me, I don’t know what I would do. Griffin: Travis’s soul is the respite of a dark passenger. Travis: I’ve got what scientists call a dark passenger. See, when I was little, I died for 5 seconds and something came back with me-- Griffin: Yes. Travis: --and the only thing that allows me to control the hunger within is knowing that there’s a new Kung Fu Panda movie every like, 2 to 3 years. And I worry that if that ever stops-- Griffin: Yeah. You’re gonna-- Travis: Lemme just say, the voice I hear in my head is no language ever spoken by man, as far as I know, ever. Griffin: It’s Sumerian, but it’s Jack Black doing the voice, which is weird. Travis: Yeah, and it just--the only phrase I can understand is just two words, and it’s just “old gods”. Griffin: Yeah. Travis: And if… If Kung Fu Panda were to ever not be there as a barrier against the darkness, I worry not only for myself, but for everyone in this plane of existence. Justin: Uh, if you’ve just finished watching uh, this clip as a YouTube video after Travis commits some terrible atrocity, you should know that we thought he was kidding… Well! Thanks for listening! [Travis and Griffin laugh] Griffin: Um, you want a final Yahoo? Travis: Yes. Griffin: Uh, this final Yahoo was sent in by Level 9000 YaDrew Druid Drew Davenport, thank you Drew! It’s by from YaDrew Answers user Abby, who asks: “
Question #5 (55:02) FY[]
"Can anybody find out if billy zane is available to sell pasta at my new store cal pasta?”
Justin: [Justin and Travis laugh] My name’s Justin McElroy. Travis: And I’m Travis McElroy. Griffin: I’m Griffin McElroy. Justin: This has been My Brother, My Brother, and Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips! Griffin: Ska-doosh!
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