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Intro (Bob Ball): The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he‘s a sexpert, but if there‘s a degree on his wall, I haven‘t seen it. Also, this show isn‘t for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What‘s up, you cool baby?

Intro (00:45)[]

Justin: [singing] Happy birthday to you / Happy birthday to me / Happy birthday dear Travis (and Justin) / Happy birthday to us!
Griffin: So unfair.
Justin: Best day of the year.
Griffin: Why couldn't they, like— our— our parents are intelligent people. Why— Why couldn't they have, you know, timed it out so that I— I would have come out on a… I have to wait another, like, six months for mine, and you guys get—
Justin: I know. Today is Travis and Justin's birthday (Justin — that's me). Me and Travis. It is our birthday, um, and we're celebrating in style.
Travis: I— I always found it weak that when we were growing up and Griffin was still a small, wee babe he would get presents on our birthday, because he couldn't be the only one of the three who didn't!
Griffin: Shit yeah, I did!
Justin: Right, he didn't understand.
Travis: It was some weaksauce.
Griffin: Do you know why that happened? Because I would've—
Travis: You were a baby?
Griffin: —I would have cried if I didn't.
Justin: Yeah, because he had a baby Cro-Magnon brain. Baby brains and Cro-Magnon brains are basically the same thing. But it is our birthday. We're celebrating in the only way we know how: by taking your ignorance (of certain topics), and turning it alchemy-like into wisdom. Uh, this is My Brother, My Brother and Me: it's an advice show for the mmmmmmmmmmmmodren era. Let's just get right into it. I wanna cut through all—
Travis: The red tape.
Justin: —uh, the red tape. Cut through all the business, and just really get down into this, deep. Uh, so let's start off with an email. It says:

Question #1 (02:12)[]

Justin: "I, uh, I have a cat who is generally a bit stand-offish. She doesn't snuggle, doesn't much like being picked up. The only time she wants to get on my lap is when I'm in the bathroom, tending to secondary biological output. I have always enjoyed her company as an alternative to reading or staring blankly at a wall; my husband, however, thinks the whole thing is weird, and that I should leave the door shut, ignore her plaintive meows, and get on with my business myself."
Griffin: Hm.
Justin: "She seems so sad when I don't let her in, though. Please give me some guidance here."
Griffin: Who is that from?
Justin: That's from Poop Lap. Um—
Griffin: Sorry? Can you slow it down a bit?
Justin: Just, uh… It's— it's, uh— Poop— Poop— [chuckles] Poop Lap?
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Yeah…
Griffin: I'm trying to imagine what the— the sad mewing of a cat sounds like when it's behind the door of a bathroom where you are defecating, uh, and that cat — all it wants— oh, all it wants is to just come in and just chill with you while you do your business? I'm trying to imagine what that sounds like.
Justin: I'm— I'm—
Travis: I— I'll— I'll tell you, Griffin: it sounds exactly like Purple Rain.
Justin: I'm trying to make a concerted effort here to not take this into scatalogical territory, so I'm going to talk about the ethics of what's happening here.
Griffin: Okay!
Justin: In this modern society— In this society in which we live, we are so connected. Every moment, you're on the 'book, you're on the FB, you're on the Google, you're Googling, you're, uh, tweeting? Twoto… On all the services. Formspring.
Griffin: Tumbl— Tumblin'.
Justin: Tumblin'. You're on the Tumblin'. [chuckles] You're on the Tamblyn. You're on the—
Travis: Grumping.
Justin: You're krumping. Just, so many different outlets for— for people to stay connected to you. The— The B-room is really the one time of the day when you get to just be you. That's for nobody else. Not for your cat. Not for Facebook.
Griffin: What you're— What you're ignoring, though, is that your cat's not on Twitter. Your cats not on Facebook.
Justin: That you know of. That you know of.
Griffin: It's not Tumblin'.
Justin: That you know of.
Griffin: It's not Smenging. I— I'm— I'm pr-pretty sure no cats are— are on my Facebook friends. Um—
Justin: I see a lot of people who—
Travis: I actually— I actually have a couple.
Justin: Yeah, I have people who use their cats as their pictures, which— By the way, that's not you. Stop lying. Get your baby off there too, while we're at it. It's not you! You're baby is not you. You are you. Don't confuse me.
Travis: Also, pictures of you holding other people's babies? Not cool. It's confusing.
Justin: Not cool. Get off— You're putting your baby on the grid, already. It's just a baby; he's on the grid. Um, I— I think that I've— I have to be pretty steadfast in this, Griffin. I understand what you're saying, but it's a— it's a— it's about your mental state. It's not about your cat can't track you on Twitter, so now you're going to let it get in the bathroom with you in the b— in the bathroom with you.
Griffin: But the thing is, like, this is— it sounds like it's good for her mental state. She enjoys the cat's company while she's, um— while she's making business. Like—
Justin: What does it say about the cat's relationship? Like, the only time she likes to be with you—
Griffin: Oh, the cat's a fuckin' freak! Like, don't get me wrong!
Travis: As long as we can all agree on that.
Justin: [laughs] Okay. The cat's, like, dirty, right?
Griffin: That cat is a dirty-ass cat. The cat is— is some sort of reincarnated scat pervert. Like, fuck that cat! Your cat's a— Your cat's a freak!
Travis: Your cat is a pervert.
Griffin: Your cat is a pervert. Um, but, I mean, if you enjoy her company then— then more power to you. I say poop away, cat on lap.
Justin: I hate it when you just—
Travis: I don't think— I don't think it's okay. Let's take a vote: is it okay?
Justin: It's not.
Travis: It's not okay.
Justin: Is November 8th the best day of the year? Yes.
Travis: Yes.
Justin: Yes. Okay. Majority rules! [chuckles] It's the best.

Question #2 (05:48)[]

Justin: "I work at the most monotonous job ever, and your podcast brightens my Mondays. I was wondering if you could recommend any other podcasts or activities to make my workdays more exciting? Thanks."
Griffin: Are we gonna— are we gonna recommend any competitors? [scoffs] Get real, Formspring!
Justin: Yeah right. Nice try. Sorry, former—
Travis: Like, who does this—
Griffin: Does McDonalds— Does McDonalds talk about how tasty Whoppers are? Never.
Travis: [quietly] They probably do! You never know.
Justin: Probably. Probably in secret, at meetings.
Griffin: "Our burgers are wack! [laughing] Do you know who has those dope burgers? Don't tell anybody: BK!"
Justin: [laughs]"BK!"
Griffin: "BK and DQ!"
Justin: "Me and all my billion buddies, we always like to go to just hit the BK at the late night! You gotta get that BK!"
Griffin: "Our chicken select strips are bullshit!"
Justin: [laughs] "You get that strip at BK, they got that shit in the shape of a crown!" Uh, so first off, maybe get some McDonald's and Burger King. That's fun food, fun to eat, and, uh, that can really help to make the days pass.
Griffin: [laughing] …just eating fast food?
Justin: [laughing] Just eating fast food! Just kill the lonely times (kill the sad times), with the taste of salt and fat. Oh boy. Oh, now you see, now I'm hungry. Oops! You did it again, McDonald's advertisers!
Griffin: I think, uh, whatever recommendations we can give you depend entirely on whatever your job is, because if you're a surgeon, you need to fuckin' look sharp! You need to put down the iPod!
Justin: Was that a— Was that a pun?
Griffin: Oh… I didn't mean it to be, but I'm— I'll take it. Um, you need— You need to not be distracted when you're cutting into humans. Um, if you (I don't know) scan medical documents into a computer for eight hours a day, then you're going to need, uh— You're gonna need some help. Some assistance.
Justin: Yep. Um, I—
Travis: Um, my suggestion? A clipboard. I know it seems— but it'll let you get away with literally anything. You can put sudoko[sic] on there, you can put some crossword on there, or just carry it around so no one will [Unintelligible] to you.
Griffin: How did you… How did you just pronounce "sudoku"?
Travis: [laughs] …I think I said "sudoko"!
Justin: [laughs] "Sudoko"! No, Griffin, you're confused — sudoko's that new joint. It's where—
Griffin: Hey, have you guys played Sedaka? [laughs]
Justin: [laughs] Have you played Neil Sedaka?
Travis: [laughs] I was actually thinking of the gas station, Sunoco.
Justin: "Did you get— Did you get that new John Secada record? Wow! [laughs] And the game included inside the CD notes? Really fun. I— We play it all day." "Sudoko" is that new sudoku where it makes a picture at the end.
Griffin: Mm-hmm. [laughs]
Travis: [laughs] And then the cards bounce around the screen. It's really awesome.
Justin: An erotic picture. Like, a sexy picture.
Travis: [laughs] Sudokoooooo!
Justin: "It kind of looks like a boob made in a box!" Uh—
Griffin: We have given this person zero advice!
Justin: Okay, we gotta get seri— I think the best thing to do is to just— You've got to shut your brain off, and let it take you to another, far away place. If you can't do something obvious like read, or— or ride a moped when nobody's there, you gotta take your mind and let it take you on a journey.
Griffin: Mm-hmm.
Justin: No one is your boss in your head, at all.
Travis: And another fun game is to play little games with yourself, like "how many times can I slip this word into a conversation before someone notices?", and "how often can I mispronounce words like 'sudoko' until someone notices?"
Justin: [laughs] See how long it takes you— Walk around all day— Next Monday, and walk around saying, "sou-döm-kyum," and wait 'till someone— Wait 'till someone corrects you.
Griffin: Now— Now, Travis, I have to ask: do you play that game when you're doing a podcast with us? Because you— You did just say "sudoko" in a— a— a strange manner.
Travis: [close to the microphone, level voice] Of course not, Griffin.
Griffin: …I'm gonna be on the lookout now. Um, let's do a Yahoo Answer!
Justin: Yeah, that would be great!
Griffin: This one is sent in by Art Santana.
Justin: [laughs] That's not his real name, but wow it's a good name!
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: God, that's awesome.
Griffin: Have you guys noticed how many people with, like, totally fresh names listen to our podcast?
Travis: Yes!
Justin: Yeah… It's, uh— Like Max Jackman?
Griffin: Like Max Jackman.
Travis: Oh, God…
Griffin: Uh, it's really flattering. Uh, anyway—
Justin: Anna Philaxis?
Griffin: Um, this Yahoo Answer is from Thomas Slicher.
Justin: What?!
Griffin: Almost certain I said that wrong.
Travis: Not a good name. Not a good name.
Griffin: Yeah, that's a bad name, but he doesn't listen to the show, so we're fine. He asks:

Question #3 (09:38)[]

Griffin: "How do I tell my mom dad friends etc. that I am a furry? I have a huge problem. I'm 13 and furry. My girlfriend is. Also, 13 and furry. But, I told my mom about it and she told me that furry fandom is one of the," quote, "'most disgusting and horrific things she has ever heard,'" end-quote. "My dad's reaction was almost the same, but he took it better. Now, though, I don't know what to do. Please help."
Justin: [exhales] I—
Griffin: I think that dad's reaction was like, "Hey son, this isn't my jam, but…" I think your mother really went overboard with her reaction to this news.
Justin: I— So, yeah, I don't—
Travis: "Do you need some money, or…"
Justin: I don't understand what all the hubbub is about. He's just furry like he's going through puberty, starting to get hair in weird places, and that's normal, but it happens to the best of us… Um, furry—
Griffin: Well…
Travis: Um, I'm— I'm almost certain he means that he wants to dress up like a racoon and bone down.
Griffin: Here's what's troubling—
Justin: …Wait, what?
Travis: Yeah, I'm— I'm almost positive that's— that's what the "furry" means.
Justin: Wait…
Griffin: So—
Justin: Not— Not, like, puberty?
Travis: No, not— not like [cross talk], Justin.
Griffin: I feel like we covered this on last week's show, that animals are fucking sexy, yo? They're getting sexier every year! Um, and he's just trying to capitalize on that movement by, y'know, dressing himself in furs and pelts, and just—
Justin: Yeah, and get— like, trying to capture that sex wave, you mean, before it passes all of us by?
Griffin: If I were to give this— this kid some real advice (which I'm not, because yuck!), um, you just gotta wait it out, because pretty soon furries are going to be the new vampires.
Justin: Yeah… Right… Yeah. Is this about a trend for you, or— Hey, by the way, uh, your girl— The odds against you, being a thirteen-year-old person who likes to dress like a raccoon and have sex, meeting and falling in love with a person, and then discovering that they, too, enjoy that s—
Griffin: Oh, yeah.
Justin: It doesn't happen.
Griffin: Fucking astronomical.
Justin: Also? Marry her.
Travis: He— He met her on, uh— on a furry website, and they hooked up on the 'fur-ums.'
Justin: …What!?
Griffin: [exhales] Don't!
Travis: Like—
Justin: What?
Travis: But— Like forums—
Griffin: Just, don't. Don't don't don't. Don't don't. Don't don't don't don't. Don't don't don't don't!
Justin: No, wait. What?
Travis: Like forums, but with fur. Like, 'fur-ums.'
Justin: 'Fur-ums.' [chuckles] I like it!
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: I like it.
Travis: Thank you!
Justin: I'm gonna start calling ours that.
Travis: I've been working on that for a week and a half!
Justin: [chuckles] 'Fur-ums!'

Transcriber's note: This part gets pretty rough. Please refer to the content warning, and you may want to skip this section.

Horrendous Talk About Furries[]

Griffin: Have you guys— Eh… Whenever I read a question like this that has anything to do with the furry community, um— It— I think that I'm an incredibly, like, open minded person.
Justin: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Griffin: Like, y'know, I'm color-blind, I'm age-blind, I'm gender-blind. Like, I don't know, my patience wears kind of thin with furries! Like, I— I'm not one to hate on any particular group of people because of whatever sexual stuff they're into, um, and I'll, like, defend those people and their right to do that, but I just don't have that for furries!
Justin: What— The thing is, what you are seeing right now is, like, this— The— Furries— The most valuable service that furry[sic] provides us is they let you see inside the head of, like, a conservative republican minister, and, like, the way he feels about pretty much everybody outside of his immediate family is the way that you feel about fur— furries. So, like— And Furbies! [laughs] But, main— mainly furries.
Travis: I think this falls under, uh, a game I like to play, called "Daddy, how did you meet mommy?" And I think any story that says, you know, "I looked across the conference hall, and saw the sexiest racoon I've ever seen—" [cross talk]
Griffin: I was going to say racoon, too!
Justin: It's all about racoons, yeah. I think it's because you don't see racoons a lot in your day-to-day, so you don't have a lot of personal connection to them, but— So they're, like, exotic and sexy? But—
Griffin: Yeah. Let me— Let me ask you guys—
Travis: "I looked across the room and saw the sexiest marmot I've ever seen!"
Griffin: No, that doesn't work. Alright, in— In thirty years—
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: After the furry civil rights movement, am— a— [sighs] I mean, am I gonna be, like the bigot of history?
Justin: Like, the back against the wall? Like, "I'm sorry, I don't care how far society has come, I refuse to recognize the rights of furries!"
Griffin: I— I will never, ever be okay with this!
Justin: I would—
Griffin: There is zero percent chance of me ever, ever, ever being cool with this![1]
Justin: [laugh] I would, at this point, endorse state-mandated castration for all furries! How— [laughing] How does that taste?! What's up?! I'm raising the stakes on our comedy program, to endorse the castration of human beings!
Griffin: Okay, let's go— Get—
Travis: Get on it, politicians!
Griffin: Let's get deeper in— Let's inception what you just said. Is that— Is that, um, a punative measure? Or is that more of a population control— Like, you don't want them spread— passing the furry gene (that— that aberration) onto their— their children.
Justin: It is abso— It is absolutely—
Travis: Might I suggest spokesman Bob Barker?
Justin: [laughs, then stops] It is absolutely both. It— It— It works both ways.
Griffin: Okay, now let's keep— One more level.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: Um, if two people dressed as racoons fuck, what are the odds that they'll give birth to a racoon?
Justin: Oh my god… What— This is the kind of future that I'm protecting you and yours against? Uh, my bigger fear is— is, like, a half man, half racoon. The 'mancoon,' if you will. Uh, that— That's really terrifying. And that— And it's totally possible! Ask any scientist! My wife's a doctor, I'll ask her! [no pause] She says yes!
Griffin: Or just look at— Look at— Look at Steve Buscemi! Those big rings around his eyes?
Justin: Had to come from somewhere! What's up, Mancoon Buscemi?! I— Castrated, also… Sorry. Um, the— I would— Here's a— Here's a bigger question, you get into the problem of logistics. Uh, what's the most efficient way to do it? I would suggest that all, uh— all furry costumes would come— like, legally, would have to come with a small patch of genital burning cream, that when— uh, when you put the costume on, it would just singe them away like, uh— like a hair that got too close to a campfire. That's what I would— That's what I would like to see happen.
Griffin: Final question on this subject: Do you think furries watch Space Jam and just jerk it so right?
Justin: [laughs] Just get that good, clean jerk going— Uh, probably, yes.
Griffin: A lot of anthropomorphic animals in that one.
Justin: Problematically, though, there's also a lot of sports, which they are not big on, I've heard.
Travis: Nope.
Griffin: You don't know that!
Travis: Well, unless there are mascots.
Justin: Yeah. They like that. They don't see why the basketball has to keep interrupting the halftime show made just for them. Boy. You know what else— You know what else they can't watch? Banana splits. They love that jam. I saw— I saw—
Travis: [Unintelligible] is really disturbing for them.
Justin: Yeah. I saw— I saw a local furry get so sexually crazed, that he, uh, pushed Beeper down to the ground and just had his way with him.
Griffin: [laughs] Just got on him, which is weird, because Beeper's not an animal by any— by any—
Justin: He's an anthropomorphized nightmares[sic]. That's something. It's a furry costume. Those people don't care, they'll eff anything!
Griffin: They just want something with fur.
Justin: They just want something with fur.
Griffin: Don't— Don't let them near a shag carpet, because they'll just work it.
Justin: Watch your— Watch your back, Tom Selleck.

Question #4 (17:43)[]

Justin: "Hey Three Amibros," Heh, I like it. Uh, "I work in retail, and I'm next in line to be manager." Uh, "My boss always complains about hating his job, but he just won't leave. How can I get him to quit? I want him— I want a promotion." Griffin, you know what it's time for? HIGHLANDER! WHAT'S UP?!
Griffin: Yeah. You gotta—
Justin: "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE MANAGER OF THIS DENNY'S, WHAT?!"
Griffin: [chuckles] Don't cut off his head! Whatever you do, that's gonna be more trouble than— than you want [cross talk]
Justin: "I— I RULE THE GAP!"
Griffin: Um, [laughs] it will be pretty cool when lightning strikes you in the Gap, filling you with powers…
Justin: "I'M FOLDING MY LAST SWEATER! NOW I MAKE THE SCHEDULES!"
Griffin: [imitating Freddie Mercury in Princes Of The Universe] "Here we are!" [makes a percussive sound] Um—
Justin: [also imitating Mercury] "Born to be kings of this Gap that I now can run!" [makes a percussive sound]
Griffin: You— [laughs] You should… quit.
Justin: [laughing] Wait! Wait, how can he quit? He just killed his manager!
Griffin: Before you kill your manager—
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: (and by before, I mean… don't. Just don't do that), um—
Justin: [laughing] Well, don't do it and quit! That defeats the whole purpose!
Griffin: [chuckles] I think you should just quit.
Justin: Wait, why?
Travis: Because retail blows.
Griffin: It— It just doesn't sound like it's right for you.
Justin: Uh— Uh, I think we've all worked our— our fair share of retail jobs, and I've had a manager or two that I would like to cut their head off.
Griffin: Sure.
Justin: Yeah.
Travis: Well, yes.
Griffin: I— I— [frustrated sigh] I mean, I've only worked one, but it— I mean, that was a pretty pleasant experience overall.
Justin: If you are, like, a hundred percent sure—
Travis: You got mugged, Griffin! You got robbed! What are you talking about?!
Griffin: I did get robbed.
Travis: You got robbed at gunpoint!
Griffin: That was a growth experience that taught me about myself! And I'm sure it taught that person a little bit about themselves, too!
Justin: Yeah. [laughs] I'm positive! Or, at least, now that they're in jail.
Griffin: [laughs] Now that they're in prison, yeah.
Justin: Do you know that if there is a quickening after a murder, you cannot be tried for it? That's true.
Griffin: I did not know that!
Justin: Yeah, if you're a hundred percent sure there is going to be a quickening after you cut someone's head off with a katana…
Griffin: [sighs] I guess that explains why (in— in Highlander: The Series, I mean)— Duncan kills a lot of dudes, right?
Travis: Oh, yeah.
Griffin: But he never has to face any litigatory pressure.
Justin: [seriously] I— I would never watch something like that. I don't— I don't know why you would reference that.
Griffin: Oh, you didn't?
Justin: I have— What? No. What?! No!
Griffin: On— On USA?
Travis: That show was awesome.
Justin: It's all good— It's all fun and games to talk about cutting a manager's head off with a katana, but when you're talking about actually watching Highlander? I don't know. Like, The Series. I— It just goes a little bit too far, I think.
Travis: Formspring, let me give you some real advice here.
Justin: Uh oh!
Travis: I know! Here's what you need to do: The next time your manager doodles something or makes something out of a straw paper, act like it's the greatest thing you've ever seen, and encourage him to become a famous artist.
Justin: Ooo…
Griffin: That's pretty good!
Justin: I like that! Let— Like, tell— Tell him that he's too good for retail, and he needs to get out?
Travis: Exactly.
Justin: Uh—
Travis: And then after he quits, be like, "I was just kidding, that's dumb! Haha!"
Justin: Yeah, and then be like, "I'm the manager now. HIGHLANDER!" Like, say that then. Um, I— I— Here's another option: Ask him to come back to the warehouse and look at something for you while there's a bunch of people in there, and then just, like, as soon as you get back there, shout, "No, you can't touch my wiener! Like, you can't rub it and touch it!" And then, like, run out screaming with your pants around your ankles, and people will— They will call for his head! [laughing] And then, after they call for his head, natch—
Griffin: Cut it off. Quickening. Highlander. Yep.
Justin: Cut it off. Quickening. Highlander. Yeah.
Griffin: [laughing] I'm— With— I think I know what the theme of this episode is!
Justin: [laughs] Uh, a Highlander-style quickening, after, uh, and empty, uh, accusation of sexual misconduct.
Travis: [laughs] "There can be only one… appropriate response."

Question #5 (21:29)[]

Justin: "I'm twenty— I'm a twenty-eight-year-old dude, and my boyfriend is fifty two." Uh, "My friends are all cool with the gay thing, but how do I approach the age gap? He's a pretty cool guy, and not at all a granddad! Cheers!" And this comes to us from "Yes I Know It's Weird."
Griffin: Listen…
Justin: Okay…
Griffin: The— Okay, listen. Are you listening?
Justin: I am.
Griffin: It kinda sucks that he's not at all a granddad. I'm— I am not—
Travis: [laughs] You'd always have Werther's Originals…
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: If I was a homosexual, I would totally want a granddad boyfriend!
Justin: Yeah, totally.
Griffin: Think of the benefits!
Justin: Many.
Griffin: …Too many to name.
Justin: Yeah, uh, there's— There's, uh— Uh, using denture cream as lubricant. That's all I've got!
Griffin: See… I— I was gonna make—
Justin: That's not— Were you gonna go around that region, or…?
Griffin: [laughs] Around that area, uh, involving dentures and the options that that provides.
Justin: Whoa! I didn't even think about that! Yeah, take those dentures out, pawpaw!
Griffin: Yumma yumma!
Travis: I was just thinking about—
Justin: [laughs] Yumma yumma, indeed!
Griffin: [laughs] Um—
Travis: I was just thinking about how awesome it would be to roll up to, like, a hardcore gay club with, like, a dude who looks like Andy Griffith in a sweater vest.
Griffin: Or a dude that is Andy Griffith!
Justin: [laughs] What's nice is that you can, uh— You get to eat dinner at, like, 4:30, which is good. That's a— I guess that's [Unintelligible]. Like, ei-either way, I mean, you—
Griffin: Yeah. I could date a grandma and still get that treatment.
Justin: Whoa boy.
Travis: Yeah. What is 'age gap', these days? We're livin' to, like, a hundred and thirty, a hundred and forty.
Justin: That's a good— a great point, Travis: science.
Griffin: Uh, that— I mean, this guy— This guy's got twenty-five years on him, though. I mean, that's a— That's a significant chunk of change.
Justin: Yeah. Um, I— Uh, Twenty four, but…
Travis: You know, who's counting?
Justin: Who's counting? [laughs] Who can do simple subtraction?
Travis: Clearly not Griffin.
Griffin: Clearly not me.
Justin: Not Griffin. [laughs] Uh, well, it's not his birthday. Cut him some slack. Um, I— I think that if your friends are already cool with the gay thing, you gotta understand that, like— Uh, I mean, it's not that they're not understanding. It— It's that— And you might love this grandpa very much, but you're fri— It's still like bringin' an old guy around!
Travis: Oh, get him a T-shirt that says "world's best grandpa," but mark out "grandpa" and write "boyfriend"!
Griffin: [laughs] No, come on. No, come on.
Justin: [laughs] I was gonna go with "lover," but, um—
Griffin: Come on, let's— Let's help thi— this—
Travis: Here's— Here's the important thing when it comes to an age gap: it's not the age that's important, it's the interests. If share the same interests, if you're into the same things, if you get along well, age doesn't matter. But if you don't connect on that level (like, if you wanna go out all the time and he wants to stay home…) If you have different interests, and you're not interested in the same thing (and this applies, you know, for anyone entering into a relationship with an older person, or in any relationship). If you don't have similar interests, if you don't agree on things, it's not a good match! If you do, then who the fuck cares?
Griffin: Well, that's— That's—
Travis: You know, if you guys agree, if you're happy together, then—
Justin: Yeah, and— And they will get— Your friends— I think that if you continue in this relationship, and you continue to bring him around, your friends will get acclimated. Like, they really will. I mean, they— They— They will adjust to— to this guy, and maybe it won't seem so weird to them, uh, a-after a while. Maybe— I mean, we're all just people, right? Underneath the skin?
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: Um— Uh, they'll get along really well with him, especially once he keeps giving them, like, really old, dry pieces of chewing gum. No, but on the serious though, if you have similar interests with him, and you have similar interests with your friends, they're gonna get along great!
Travis: Yeah, um— Um—
Griffin: You gotta— You've just gotta prove it to 'em.
Travis: That being said, be— be prepared for the fact that you will get that initial, like—
Griffin: So much.
Travis: "Who is that guy!?" And— And you just have to be braced for that. You know, I have a lot of friends who are in relationships with— who— People much older them, and, I mean, it's one of those things where you just have to be ready for that initial, like, "Wow, he's a lot older than you." And you go, "I know, but I love him."
Justin: Oh my God, oh my God… Have him show up and say he is your granddad, and then, halfway— half—
Griffin: No… This is—
Justin: No, wait! Now wait! Now listen! Hear me say— Hear me out!
Griffin: This is the worst thing you've ever said. [disgruntled sounds]
Justin: Hear me— Hear me out! Have him come and say he is your granddad, and then halfway through the night, just, like, you two just tongue kiss like crazy. And then he'll be like— Then he'll be like, "WHAT UP, FUCKERS? MIND BLOWN!" And everyone will be like, "WOW, YOU'RE THE COOLEST GUY EVER!" And then you say, "NO, BUT WE ARE SERIOUSLY IN LOVE!"
Travis: And then he breaks into a great guitar solo!
Justin: [laughs] "We're very much in love, uh, really!" And they will be so punked, that they will love it.
Griffin: [dryly] Yes. So, when you're looking for the best way to acclimate your friends to your older boyfriend, the best thing you can do is pretend he's your grandpa.
Justin: And then—
Griffin: And just bone down on him.
Travis: [laughing] And then tongue kiss him.
Justin: Right, tongue kiss him in the middle of the night. I hope our dad, [laughing] who is three years older than this guy, does not listen to this show, and us saying that a fifty-two-year-old man is, like, pretty much—
Griffin: Grandpa age. [laughs]
Justin: [laughing] Pretty much dead! He's pretty much like a dead guy. It's like— It's like the Crypt Keeper, followin' you around!

Question #6 (26:44)[]

Justin: Uh, "I— [laughs] I need— I need help." And you've turned— come to the right place. "My friend has a crush on me, and has asked me out on numerous dates. I keep politely saying I'm busy that weekend, or I have no money, hoping he'll take a hint, but he keeps persisting. Is there a way to let him know there's no way me and him could ever be together without ruining our friendship?" Fr— That's "Friend Troubles," Gmail. Yeesh!
Travis: Bad news: your friendship's ruined.
Justin: [laughs] You— It's already ruined!
Griffin: But don't— don't worry about it, because that's not on you. That shit's not on you. That shit's on him.
Travis: Oh, yeah!
Justin: He made things weird! He's the weird one!
Travis: He— He is attacking your country. You just gotta defend yourself.
Justin: That's right. That's right. He's the aggressor.
Travis: Now, straight up, though, cut out this head bullshit, and you just need to be like, "Listen, my friend [cross talk]."
Griffin: You need to roll up— roll up a newspaper, and smack him right on the tip of his nose.
Justin: Precisely.
Griffin: Uh, no— No joke! Like, you gotta be stern with him, and be like, "Listen, if we're gonna keep being friends, you need to fuckin' cut this shit out, because I am not into it."
Justin: Yeah, the longer this goes on, the less of a chance you have of salvaging your friendship. You've gotta just really straight up say, "Listen, I don't want this to be embarrassing or weird, but I— I— It's not gonna happen with you and I. I just don't feel about you that way, and I really like you, and I wanna keep hanging out with you and being friends. And who knows, maybe if we're friends long enough, I'll come around." And then just, like, let it go at that.
Griffin: "You gotta get— You gotta trust me, I will get over it." I mean, he will get over— [disappointed sigh] Happy birthday to not me.
Justin: [laughs] It feels like everybody's birthday but Griffin's today, doesn't it? It's weird.
Travis: That's how I feel every day!
Justin: You've got— You've gotta give it to him straight. Don't leave him any hope. Like, seriously, I know it seems cruel, but there's nothing crueler than what you're doing right now, [laughs] I promise, because when you say these excuses, what he hears (what the guy's brain— what the male's brain translates that into) is… is nothing! He doesn't translate it at all. He hears exactly what you're saying. [laughs] Like, we don't take hints!
Travis: "Oh, she doesn't have enough time! Okay, great!"
Justin: "I will wait until she's more free! She has more free time! Of course!"
Griffin: Hey, I have a Yahoo Answer.
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: It was sent in by "JRegal21," which is pretty cool.
Justin: God, that's a good one.
Griffin: It's by Yahoo Answers user "omgitssal."
Justin: …okay.
Griffin: All right, um, and it's one of those answers that's n-not particularly, er… Or, the question itself, rather, isn't particularly, um…
Justin: Could it be OM— "OMG, It's Sal?"
Griffin: It might be what it is.
Justin: Okay. I don't want to defend this anymore. [cross talk]
Griffin: Thank you. You're so much better at translating "internet speak" than I am. Uh, but it's, uh— It's one of those great questions where the comedy doesn't so much come from the, uh— the question itself; rather, it comes from the answers. Uh, "OMGitssal" asks:

Question #7 (28:50)[]

Griffin: "Need help with my story title? Hi, I'm writing a story about a young woman who has three children, and one day she gets into a horrible accident and the three children die. Her life changes forever from that moment on. She ends up falling in love with a man whose brother was driving the car that killed her kids. Do you have any ideas for a title? Thanks." Smiley face. So that's the question.
Travis: I would call it "Yakity Sax!"
Griffin: Um—
Justin: Isn't that— Isn't that what Family Matters was about?
Griffin: ...Yes. "Family Matters" would be an appropriate title for this book.
Justin: [laughing] What about "Perfect Strangers"?
Griffin: [laughing] "Perfect Strangers—"
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: "Empty House", all of these, um—
Justin: "Empty—" Yeah.
Griffin: "Three Was Enough But Now We're Down To Zero." Guys, fucking trust me, there is nothing we can say, uh, that's going to be funnier than the questions that the real internet turned out.
Travis: Okay.
Justin: Okay. The answers, you mean? The ans— The answers?
Griffin: Here's one from Nina, who replies, "Riding Waves," parenthesis, [whispers] "(Emotional Waves)" [normal voice] Um, Grace says, "'The Painful Reminder', or 'The Reminder,' because he reminds her of the kids and the painful loss. Source: my mind!"
Justin: [laughing] Fuck you, it does not say that!
Griffin: Didn't plagiarize that one. That one came right from her dome piece.
Justin: [laughing] No! Right from the noggin. "This is noggin cream that I made just for your problem. Here."
Griffin: Sakura Shaunnessy has a— a bunch of really good ones. Here we go:
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: "Loving the Dead."
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: "The Day they Die—"
Travis: Argh! No!
Griffin: "The Day they Died."
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: "Wispy Memories."
Justin: [sing-song] Wispy Memories... [normal voice] I'm trying to solidify this memory in my head, but I can't, it's just ephemeral. It's right there. It's wispy.
Griffin: "Coping with the Pain."
Justin: Coping... Coping... Coping With The Pain. I like it, it flows.
Griffin: "The Day they never saw night." Huh?!
Justin: [laughs] Bwuh?
Griffin: "Grieving mom." That's pretty straightforward, I guess. "Grief—"
Justin: [laughs] "Book." "Book Book."
Griffin: [laughs] "Grief, tears, and love?" There is a question mark...
Justin: [laughing] That's like— That's like, uh— That's like, "They're best friends, but one of them's a cat?!"
Travis: [Unintelligible] sits on her lap?!
Griffin: Lynn Diane asks (or replies, sorry), "'Fatal crossing.' Maybe the children are killed crossing the street or at a crosswalk, or a railroad crossing." BITCH, DON'T TRY TO REWRITE THIS BOOK BEFORE IT'S WROTE!
Justin: [laughing] "This is coming from my heart! Source: My mind! Trust me! Trust— Trust on the fact that I— You're not going to help me in the edits! This is a titling project, only! I am creative enough to come up with a whole book, but not a title for the book!"
Griffin: Percyjackson127, who is a top contributor to Yahoo (uh, we haven't seen one of those in a while), uh, responds, uh, "Taming soul." Ugh. "Taking flight."
Justin: Why?!
Griffin: "Burning memories."
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: "Love with the murderer—"
Travis: Maybe they died in a plane crash.
Griffin: [laughing] "Love with the murderer's boy."
Justin: What?!
Griffin: [laughs, slightly difference emphasis] "Love with the murderer's boy."
Justin: That— This guy has a fundamental misunderstanding of what this story is about.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Not like we do. He didn't get it. I wanna—
Griffin: That's—
Travis: Here's my title: "A Book About A Woman Who Falls In Love With The Dude Who Killed Her Kids."
Justin: Let me hit you guys with: "There Can Be Only None."
Griffin: Ooo.
Justin: Yeah. Uh, we've gotta have a better title than these people. I do like, "Riding Waves (of Emotion)."
Griffin: [whispers] "(Emotional Waves)."
Justin: [also whispers] "(Emotional Waves)." [normal voice] Source...?
Griffin: There's no source on that one, but I'm going to go ahead and assume it was also her mind.
Travis: No, that was her heart.
Griffin: How about— How about, "Movin' Out"?
Justin: Whoa, I like it. [laughs] Um—
Travis: [laughs] "The Music Man."
Justin: What about "My Hero"?
Griffin: Uh...
Justin: Does— Are we— Am I to believe that this story— that this story is that she falls in love with the brother of the guy who accidentally killed her kids?
Griffin: Yes.
Justin: This is not—
Travis: [laughs] Call the book, "Sorry About My Brother!"
Justin: That's not a very good book, it doesn't sound like! It doesn't sound like a very good— like, a very interesting story. Like, it— it seems like that conversation would kinda be like, "Isn't that...?" "Yeah..." "Oh well..." "Yeah, I know. What can you do, right?" Oh, that's a good title! "What Can You Do?"
Griffin: "What Can You Do?"
Travis: [laughs] "Oh Well."
Griffin: How 'bout, um—
Justin: That one's fun.
Griffin: How 'bout just, "Uh Oh." "Whoops!"
Justin: "Oops!"
Travis: "My Bad."
Griffin: Also: "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."

Question #8 (34:15)[]

Justin: "I had college class that got out early. I ended up asking the girl I have a crush on, and who I usually talk to during class, out to grab something to eat. I don't consider it a date, but I wanted to get a sense of where I stand with this girl. Overwhelmingly, I kept her laughing and entertained, and she kept telling me how funny I was. I consider myself a handsome gent, and I have good manners, and there was never any breaks in conversation or awkward pauses. My question for you: Is keeping being the funny guy enough to give me a viable chance with this girl? Sincerely, Pagliacci the Sad Clown."
Griffin: I like it.
Justin: I like that very much.
Travis: That's the dopest... a dope- [cross talk]
Justin: That is a really dope name.
Griffin: [sharp intake of breath] College, huh? [long pause] That's my official- [laughing] That's my official response to this question.
Justin: I'm really weighing this one out. I'm trying to- I'm trying to piece this together. I- I think if I was a girl, the number one thing I would look for is to be continually surprised, so maybe tomorrow you go in all business.
Griffin: Is that the opposite of "funny", to you? I would say- I would say just depressed. Like, really sad.
Justin: Oh, you mean...
Griffin: [sobbing noise] Love me...
Justin: Not like that! Not needy!
Travis: No, don't- Don't do that!
Justin: Not needy! Just, like- Just, like, look at her, and be like, [lower voice] "We're all just walking dead people. Think about it."
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: And then look at your desk.
Travis: Yeaaah...
Justin: All she'll be like, "Wow, you are multi-layered. I'd like to have some sex with you, please!"
Travis: "I'd like to peel that onion."
Griffin: And the next emotion: You could be, um- You could be, like, really envious... of things. That's a- That's an emotion.
Justin: [aggressive voice] "I saw you talking to that guy at the coffee shop today! I thought we were- we were- we were exclusive."
Griffin: It wouldn't even have to be about her. It could be like, "Ugh, that guy's backpack is better than mine! Want it!"

Incomplete section.

Question #9 (40:24)[]

Episode 29: The Quickening/Transcript/Question9

Question #10 (44:10)[]

Episode 29: The Quickening/Transcript/Question10

Housekeeping (48:28)[]

Episode 29: The Quickening/Transcript/Housekeeping

Final Yahoo (51:22)[]

Episode 29: The Quickening/Transcript/FinalYahoo

Notes[]

  1. Narrator's note: He would eventually be cool with it.
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