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Justin: Uh, "I— [laughs] I need— I need help." And you've turned— come to the right place. "My friend has a crush on me, and has asked me out on numerous dates. I keep politely saying I'm busy that weekend, or I have no money, hoping he'll take a hint, but he keeps persisting. Is there a way to let him know there's no way me and him could ever be together without ruining our friendship?" Fr— That's "Friend Troubles," Gmail. Yeesh!
Travis: Bad news: your friendship's ruined.
Justin: [laughs] You— It's already ruined!
Griffin: But don't— don't worry about it, because that's not on you. That shit's not on you. That shit's on him.
Travis: Oh, yeah!
Justin: He made things weird! He's the weird one!
Travis: He— He is attacking your country. You just gotta defend yourself.
Justin: That's right. That's right. He's the aggressor.
Travis: Now, straight up, though, cut out this head bullshit, and you just need to be like, "Listen, my friend [cross talk]."
Griffin: You need to roll up— roll up a newspaper, and smack him right on the tip of his nose.
Justin: Precisely.
Griffin: Uh, no— No joke! Like, you gotta be stern with him, and be like, "Listen, if we're gonna keep being friends, you need to fuckin' cut this shit out, because I am not into it."
Justin: Yeah, the longer this goes on, the less of a chance you have of salvaging your friendship. You've gotta just really straight up say, "Listen, I don't want this to be embarrassing or weird, but I— I— It's not gonna happen with you and I. I just don't feel about you that way, and I really like you, and I wanna keep hanging out with you and being friends. And who knows, maybe if we're friends long enough, I'll come around." And then just, like, let it go at that.
Griffin: "You gotta get— You gotta trust me, I will get over it." I mean, he will get over— [disappointed sigh] Happy birthday to not me.
Justin: [laughs] It feels like everybody's birthday but Griffin's today, doesn't it? It's weird.
Travis: That's how I feel every day!
Justin: You've got— You've gotta give it to him straight. Don't leave him any hope. Like, seriously, I know it seems cruel, but there's nothing crueler than what you're doing right now, [laughs] I promise, because when you say these excuses, what he hears (what the guy's brain— what the male's brain translates that into) is… is nothing! He doesn't translate it at all. He hears exactly what you're saying. [laughs] Like, we don't take hints!
Travis: "Oh, she doesn't have enough time! Okay, great!"
Justin: "I will wait until she's more free! She has more free time! Of course!"
Griffin: Hey, I have a Yahoo Answer.
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: It was sent in by "JRegal21," which is pretty cool.
Justin: God, that's a good one.
Griffin: It's by Yahoo Answers user "omgitssal."
Justin: …okay.
Griffin: All right, um, and it's one of those answers that's n-not particularly, er… Or, the question itself, rather, isn't particularly, um…
Justin: Could it be OM— "OMG, It's Sal?"
Griffin: It might be what it is.
Justin: Okay. I don't want to defend this anymore. [cross talk]
Griffin: Thank you. You're so much better at translating "internet speak" than I am. Uh, but it's, uh— It's one of those great questions where the comedy doesn't so much come from the, uh— the question itself; rather, it comes from the answers. Uh, "OMGitssal" asks:
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